BEDA 31: Goodbye BEDA

Greetings!

So today, is the last day of August. The last day of BEDA.

Originally I wanted to write some huge epic blog that summed up me into a single post.

There were going to be tears and applause and I was going to be lavished with compliments and people begging me to mother their children.

But, I simply do not have the strength.

My head hurts SO BAD. And I keep having strange dreams about Hamlet and Harry Potter together.

I'm just so tired and I don't have the ability to be deep right now.

But I do have this to say--BEDA has been fun. Blogging has been fun and I have an idea for what I want my next blogging project to be.

I want to read a chapter of a book a week and blog about my reaction to it. Yes, I was inspired by Blogging Twilight and it seems like it'll be fun!

I wish I'd thought about it before I started reading Pretty Little Liars because that would be perfect. So would  A Great and Terrible Beauty.

So if you have a good book series I could read chapter by chapter lemme know.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 30: Priorities and Anna and the French Kiss!

Greetings!

So, I've been reading Blogging Twilight and blogging and as a result, I've been neglecting my homework these past few days because I'm a bad person, but I today I wrote a list of things I need to do by Thursday. I'd like to share it with you:

• Finish Hamlet paper [You barely have a page left to write you bum!]
• Write your 7 page research paper [it's about Harry Potter. You're just slacking.]
• Actually clean room [stop quitting half way through]
• Drag Jjay to shoe store so he doesn't wear tennis shoes to your brother's wedding Saturday
• Finish a chapter of your WIP. You haven't done so in a long time.
• Decide what you're going to blog about once BEDA is over tomorrow.
• Mail your scholarship papers to your school [I hope you understand why this is important]

I'm pretty sure I can do all of these things. The hardest one will be the two papers which currently are keeping me from scheduling time at work because I'm so busy writing them. But my job is long and it is hard and even working one day running around [literally] for 10 hours put a lot of stress on my little body.

I'm not saying it's because I'm lazy [though that could be a contributing factor, like Ginny's nice skin and Dean's attractedness to her], but carrying around trays and walking around for 10 hours like a zombie scarping dishes, pouring water, serving food, cleaning up plates and glasses and maneuvering around rich drunk people all while trying not to pull a Tonks and stand on my own two feet is hard.

I know in this day and age a college degree will not guarantee a job, but I'm at least certain that it will guarantee that I don't have to work as a server for a catering company [or doing physical labor] for the rest of my life.

After working like that I sleep through the entire next day and I'm wiped the whole rest of the week, and by the time I recover I have to go back to work.

It doesn't help that I'm a condensed person. I have like no body fat and I don't each much food which I suspect means that I kind of burn more calories than my body has to spare. And it's not as if I can say "just eat more calories--duh", because that means to mean the same thing as "eat a package of bacon daily" and I'm sure that will just lead to health problems instead of more energy.

And I've also taken into account the fact that even if I only work on the weekend, when I start school in October and I'm having to dedicate my time and energy to studying and writing papers and I'm not going to be able to function with my heavy course load if I'm wiped out from work.

I don't want my school work to suffer because of work because work is far less important than school.

Ugh!! When I am done with school and off on my own I will be so happy. That way I can stop being a good person who values knowledge over money [curse you desire for higher education!]

In other fun news: Stephanie Perkins who is married to this awesome guy in this Wizard Wrock band I know called Gred and Forge just happens to be a young adult author with a book coming out soon. Maureen Johnson says the book is so good, you should date it and MJ is always right. Also if she's married to Gred and Forge you know that she's made of awesome anyway.

Anywho, she's have an ARC giveaway contest type thing and you should check it out. I've known about it for a while but I'm a loser and never got around to blogging about it... so now I am. Check it out! Today is your last day to enter.

And even if you don't win, you should buy her book. I finally have enough money to actually preorder it [which I've wanted to do for AGES] and I am thrilled about that.

And with that I go to start cracking away on my to-do list.

Fare thee well,

April

BEDA 29: Thank You

Greetings!

Well, BEDA is winding down folks. I think I'm gonna miss being forced to blog everyday. I liked the challenge and this has helped me learn to deal with a lot of the things I've been going through this past month without going crazy and kicking a baby like I've wanted to.

I didn't really want to use this blog as an outlet to bitch about how unfair things are or things that annoy me or about any of those things but, I think now that it's okay that I did.

I'm an introvert and I don't like to talk to people about what I'm feeling so I bottle things up inside so I don't come off rude as an asshole. It's not really healthy and I've addressed some of the side effects of this.

What I like about blogging like this, it's helping me find a healthy release for all the things I feel. If something at home bugs me or I see something on TV that grinds my gears, or even if a Twilight blog sparks me to just write about all the reasons why Jacob is better than Edward.

Basically, I'm glad that I found a way to tell people how I feel without being rude and without terrifying anyone by raising my voice.

Because apparently if I did that a lot of people would be freaked out.

Anyway, thanks for reading and sticking with me for the final days! Woo!

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 28: This Was About Twilight... Then Things Went Awry

Greetings!

So, I've been reading the most amazing blog instead of doing homework. It's called Blogging Twilight and I found it on Sparknotes while I was trying to get ideas on how to get started describing Hamlet yesterday.

Essentially, this Daniel fellow is reading Twilight and giving his opinion on it chapter by chapter and it's hilarious! He has a funny little doodle to go with every blog and ends every chapter with a prediction of what he thinks will happen next.

Right now, he's working New Moon and here's what he wrote for his prediction at the end of chapter six:

Just as things are beginning to heat up between Bella and Jacob, Edward comes galloping into town on a white horse. He grabs Bella by the scruff of her neck and flings her onto his horse. Before charging away with the giddy, lovesick Bella, Edward looks back at Jacob and shouts, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."

 Hilarious, right?

So, that thought in mind, my brain went to a very strange place. A place it doesn't usually go.

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.

Now, thanks to Taylor Lautner and his Adonis of man type body, I've always been a Team Jacob kind of a girl. But then another thought occurred to me.

Why is Bella so freaking stupid in New Moon.

Okay, I think Bella's stupid like all the time, but don't get me wrong, when she's all upset and heartbroken over Edward even if she didn't want to hook up with Jacob [but why wouldn't you? I mean, hello, one of the main reasons my boyfriend is awesome is because he radiates heat (I'm aware of how shallow that sounded and I wasn't being serious)] why would she go back to Edward.

Like, he breaks your heart, leaves you lie cold alone in the rain in the middle of the forest, let's you fall into a deep dark hole of depression and engage in unhealthy and unsafe activities and then when he thinks you're dead he tries to call by phone to fact check and then goes to kill himself when a boy who never liked him answers the phone and then it becomes your responsibility to drop everything and save him?

No. Hell no.

Fuck that.

I don't care how glittery or gorgeous he is or how many songs he writes for me on the piano.

Hell no I wouldn't go back to him. Sure, do the right thing, don't let the boy kill himself. But then you're like "I'm alive, but you're an asshole so I'm gonna go home to my gorgeous werewolf boyfriend and bake cookies on his chest. And if things with Jacob don't work out I can go always go hook up with Mike because he always liked me better than Jessica anyway."

And then you'd ride off into the Italian sunset with Jacob and his motorcycle. How did Jacob get to Italy? He has a jetpack [all werewolves do according to Dan in Blogging Twilight].

You don't go back to someone who made you miserable. Who left you to be miserable.

No! No! No! No! No!

And the whole reason they left in the first place was dumb too. "OMG! Jasper's a baby and isn't used to blood. If Bella cuts her finger again shit is goin' down. Let's roll out Cullens."

Again. No.

You leave Jasper in his room until he grows up enough to handle being around a paper cut, because he's a baby. You don't let them be around grown up situations until they can handle grown up situation because that's how you handle babies.

If your baby is so out of control that you have to relocate, reevaluate your parenting skills.

Jacob on the other hand is nice. He rides motorcycle and jumps of cliff and turns into something you can pet. You can also ride Jacob if you want [that's what she said]. Plus, he's warm. He's toasty. Which I suspect comes in handy if you live in a cold, miserable place like Forks, Washington. AND if you're really, really, really, that eager to get laid Bella, I'm sure Jacob is more than willing to put out [because most 16-year-old boys probably are]. And it probably won't feel like you're shoving an eternally cold piece of limestone up your va-jay-jay [which is probably what it's like with Edward].

AND THEN when Bella went so far as to go and get married to Edward and actually end up impregnated with his demon child [somehow] that is eating you alive from the inside out, in exchange for getting rid of the demon child monster you get a free pass to bone Jacob who is more than willing to let you use him.

In that situation you don't say "No."

You can only say yes because:

A) Free pass to bone Jacob AND keep Edward. It's all you ever dreamed of!

 or

B) Because Edward would seriously rather you sleep with some other guy than have his child, you probably don't want to be with him anyway, so you sleep with Jacob to spite Edward and you keep Jacob.

Booyah.

I don't like Bella because she's an idiot.

I don't like Edward because he's a pushover pansy.

Sometimes I don't even like Jacob because he's always all "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?!"

But all Jacob wants is love. Edward wants to stalk you and watch you sleep and abort your unborn child.

Jacob just wants to love you and you to love him in return and have children that aren't going to kill you and basically be all the good things a man should be.

Also, he has a jetpack.

But seriously, I don't see the Edward appeal.

Now, if Twilight were about WIZARDS and Edward were Cedric Diggory THEN that's a hippogriff of  a different color. Of course, Cedric, my fellow Hufflepuff, wouldn't even give a second thought about Bella because she's whiny and clingy and selfish and only likes to complain. And while Hufflepuff are like that sometimes (a lot of the time) Cedric is our best Hufflepuff and definitely do better than her psychotic ass.

Random thought, is it just me or does Cho Chang remind you of Trixie Tang from Fairly Odd Parents or is that just me.

I digress, being Team Edward baffles me. Being Bella Swan baffles me. I wonder how it feels to wake up everyday and live in a constant haze of stupidity like she does.

Ugh! She's awful. I detest her.The only character I hate more than her in any book is probably Pansy Parkinson--but at least Pansy knows what she wants, even if she's an annoying little twit.

I've run out of things to say. In conclusion:

• Jacob is better looking.
• Jacob is more temperature appropriate.
• Jacob is not an asshole, nor is he a pansy.
• Jacob rides motorcycle.
• If you get a paper cut, Edward will skip town because he can't take the pressure.

The choice is yours ladies. Be better than Bella.

Fare thee well,

April

BEDA 26: HOMEWORK

Greetings!

So, back in June I started taking a summer English class and for the two weeks I was in it, it was awesome. however, two weeks into the class, my boyfriend's brother ended up getting shot while trying to stop a mugging and was in the hospital.

Terrifying. Scary.

Life stopped in our house and I was the only one home.

Anyway, since my boyfriend was my ride to school I obviously wasn't going to be able to make it to my class anymore since he was at the hospital with his brother. So my professor, the understanding man that he was, gave me an incomplete and told me to finish my last two assignments y September 15.

Well, my *sexy goats, my boyfriend's brother is home [though he is paralyzed from the waste down now which is obviously more than notsome] and the time is fast approaching for me to finish these assignments.

Today I'm working on assignment one: a paper about Hamlet. It's supposed to be an analysis of some sort and I'm [unintentionally] analyzing Hamlet's stupidity. It was a simple character analysis, but I just can't stop pointing out how Hamlet could've better murdered his uncle and how he's acting like a pissed of teenager, or more accurately, like Draco Malfoy.

Yep. Draco Malfoy is Hamlet reincarnated.

With that, I must get back to my paper.

Fare thee well,
April

*Yes, Sexy Goats. Craig Ferguson called his audience that once and I've now adopted it because I think he's awesome.

BEDA 25: Rest in Awesome, Esther Earl

Greetings!

Today I woke up wanting to rant and complain and bitch and moan in writing since I never do it in real life.

Rest in Awesome, Esther

But then I learned the heartbreaking news that the shining star that is Esther Earl passed away very early this morning.

I didn't learn of Esther until very recently and I didn't know her personally, but I do know that she was a Gryffindor and is probably the bravest person I'll ever know of for all the things she went through.

I know that she always wanted people to never waste a moment telling someone you love how much you love them.

Esther moved thousands to vote for the Harry Potter Alliance in the Chase Community Giving competition.

I may not know a whole lot about Esther or any of the wonderful and magical things she did or believed, but I know there was something special about her if she managed to move an entire group of people, most of whom she never knew or even met, to do wonderful things for other people.

I didn't know you Esther, but I will remember you and continue to love people everyday for you.

Everyone in Nerdfighteria is still with you and you are still with all of us.

Rest in awesome, Esther.

Love,
April

BEDA 24: Inferior, Superior, and STFU Please

Greetings!

I know I didn't blog yesterday, but I was sick. I hope you can forgive me. I am recovering today! I am dehydrated but hopeful that all this water and Gatorade I'm drinking will replenish my fluids and help to settle my stomach... and dizziness.

Anyway, I've been having this issue lately that goes all the way back to me having some of the worst self-esteem issues in existence.

A lot of the time, I feel like, inside of me, I have a constant battle raging between an inferiority and a superiority complex.

When I'm with my friends or doing something that involves me interacting with other people things will go one of two ways.

For starters, we'll be talking about something like, politics or something to that effect--something I know essentially nothing about. However, everyone around me will be talking about it and I'll have pretty much no idea what's going on.

I've always considered that some people are so good at bullshitting that they sound like they know what they're talking about even if they don't, but seeing as how I know nothing about the subject I can't exactly tell.

This leads me to shrink away from the conversation and listen. Occasionally I'll nod or laugh when appropriate but essentially I'll be smiling because I have no idea what's going on.

And do you know how awful it makes feel to think that I don't know much about anything, when I have to sit there and consider the fact that even though I'm generally regarded as an intelligent person, that I may actually be the stupid one in the room? It makes me feel stupid or inferior and I hate feeling that way. Who wouldn't?

But there's another side to me; there's the pompous, I'm better than you, I know everything and you know nothing April. How can one person goes from one extreme to another--it's not all that hard.

Let's pretend for a moment that you are listening to a conversation that you know a lot about but simply don't care to be involved in because the people holding the conversation have no idea what they're talking about.

For example, let's say I was listening to a bunch of crazies talk about Harry Potter talks about the worship of Satan. I could go on all day about how the main theme in Harry Potter is love and after extensive rereads of each of the books I'm pretty sure the worship of Satan isn't mentioned anywhere in it, but you know they wouldn't listen.

I don't want to say these people are stupid--

Okay, I do want to say they're stupid but I won't because it's not nice. Would you like it if someone called you stupid? Nope. So I won't do it either.

But I really want to! Because they sit there and they'll talk about how *Harry Potter is just an allegory for Satan and that Ron and Hermione are his two demon henchmen and I know they're so, so, so, so wrong. I want to shout from the top of my lungs "Hey, you guys are a bunch of F#cking idiots!" but they'd only reply "You're a f#cking idiot for reading Harry Potter and I hope you go straight to hell."

And talk to people who seem to be less intelligent than I am is like talking to a brick wall, so I don't talk to them at all because I don't want to be an asshole nor do I want to talk to a brick wall that can only utter absurdities to me.

So instead of trying to find a proper path of communication to get a point across to them I don't speak to them at all and I look down on them because I feel superior to them.

It's not good to feel inferior to people and it's not good to feel superior either.

It's obvious why anyone would hate feeling inferior, but it probably feels good to be better than other people right?

Wrong. I hate that feeling of looking down on people and suggesting that I'm smarter than them. I feel so guilty. And I know that in some cases I am probably more intelligent [at least common sense wise] than a fa ir few people but does that really give me the right to look at someone and say "you're stupid and I'm not and that makes me better than you."

And what really grinds my gears is that people in positions of authority like your boss, a parent, a teacher or whoever likes to suggest that they're smarter than you and better than you just because they have authority over you when you feel deep down in the pit of your stomach "If you didn't have the power to make my life miserable I would tell you off, show you that you're wrong and make you shut the f#ck up!"

But you don't do that. Some people do that and they end up losing their job or getting kicked out of their house or getting a bad mark on their paper. I grin and bear it because I know [or at least hope with all the hope I can muster] that this too shall pass.

I guess the one thing that above all others makes me angry, that makes me want to kick a field goal with a puppy is when people say something ignorant and I can't do anything about it because I either can't or simply because I'm just not the kind of person.

And you know what else? When people write things off as stupid when you feel really really passionate about it. Like I love watching The Universe and How the Earth Was Made because I am a total space nerd and I love outer space! But let it be on TV and it will only take three seconds for someone to say "turn that stupid shit off." Do you even know what you're calling stupid? Do you even have a general idea of how the earth can exist inside of this vast nothingness and you're calling it stupid? Even if you don't did even occur to you that I am completely enchanted by this great big universe and you're calling it stupid? Have you no soul that other people care about?

And let someone call Harry Potter stupid. That is something that I will go off about every time.

But I digress, I won't call you stupid or look down on you for disagreeing with me because I know how to agree to disagree and respectfully disagree because there's a whole section about disagreements in my brain's General Book of Manners.

Post-middle school, I don't recall disagreeing with someone and raising my voice. Screaming at someone isn't going to get your point across. It may, however, make people tune you out or piss them off or both. And if people scream at me I do tune the out. Can't you calmly and quietly get your point across to me without yelling at me? Last I checked I wasn't def and, I don't mean to toot my own horn but, I'm a damn good listener.

I look at it this way when you scream at me: Sometimes when people talk really, really loud, it's because they want to sound more intelligent than they actually are.

And that brings us back to me feeling superior and then guilty.

Now that I've completely gone off topic I'm going to go back to sleep and pray that all the fluids I've consumed thus far today start to kick in at some point.

Fare thee well,
April

*I've never actually heard someone say this about Harry and his friends, I'm just using it as an example to get my point across.

BEDA 22: Yawn

Greetings!

So I woke up this morning feeling like crap, went back to sleep in the hopes of feeling better, but woke up feeling worse.

My sinuses are made of failure.

Anyway, at least when I woke up THE GOONIES was on. I haven't seen The Goonies since I was 12. Then Harry Potter came on so I felt better for that.

[Jjay says Hello!]

ALSO! He got a bearded dragon today and it needs a name. Any suggestions?

I suggested Norbert but clearly only me and Hagrid like that name =)

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 21:

Greetings!

I am tired. I sat in a car for 3 1/2 hours to drive home from Dayton today.

I didn't sleep well last night.

I am exhausted.

Also, I didn't blog yesterday so I am sad about that.

I am going to sleep.

Fare the well,
April

BEDA 19: Free Movie

Greetings!

So, currently I'm sitting in the theater waiting to see The Last Exorcism--FOR FREE!!

Anyway, I was first in line to see it, got first pick of seats and before I came to see it, I had time to buy a copy of Deathly Hallows--Bloomsburry edition.

To quote Ice Cube "It was a good day."

Karma may cause tomorrow to suck but today was real nice.

Huzzah.

Fare thee well,
April

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

BEDA 18: RelationSHIPS, not Boats

Greetings!

So, I have the honor of being a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding on the 4th of September. I'm really excited to have a sister-in-law [especially since she's so amazing] and I'm really happy for my big brother to be tying the knot.

All this talk of love and marriage and happiness has made me think though--what are my favorite ships?

I know, what you're thinking, "Your brother's wedding reminds you of ships?" Yes it does. And I don't means ships as in the Titanic type I mean ships as in relationships or pairings.

So here are a few of my favorites:

Tonks and Remus [Harry Potter]: This is probably my favorite pairing of all time. When I read Half-Blood Prince and all those feelings came out I was like "OMG! YES! APRIL APPROVES!" I mean, after that I wanted to roundhouse kick him for being an idiot [and don't get me started on how infuriated I was at him at the beginning of Deathly Hallows] but I was so thrilled. Since then I've dedicated countless hours [perhaps too many] to reading and writing Tonks and Lupin fanfiction.

Kuwabara and Yukina [Yu-Yu Hakusho]: This relationship is pretty one sided on Kuwabara's part, but it's still totally adorable. Yukina is always so light hearted and bubbly and Kuwabara is always so serious and overly loving to her. At times you sense that she returns his feelings and other times you just hear her say "Gee, he's so nice for a human." Still, Kuwabara's hopeless devotion to her makes my heart sing.

Rukia and Renji [Bleach]: After seeing their story I desperately want them to end up together. Renji is clearly mad about her and is always excited to be around her and be with her. Rukia [from what I've seen] probably has feelings for Renji but is always so caught up in what Ichigo is doing that she's not really to concerned about what she feels for him, or anyone else for that matter.

Edward and Winry [Fullmetal Alchemist]: First of all, if you read Edward and thought it was going to be followed with "Bella" then shame on you for not knowing me at all. I like this ship because they're both such hard asses who don't exactly know they care about each other but they do know, you know? Like, sometimes they do something so outstandingly kind or, in Ed's case usually, dangerous, that they surprise each other with how much they care about each other and that's sweet.

Clio and Spencer [Girl at Sea/Suite Scarlett Series respectively]: I know, these two characters don't even know each other in real life but thanks to Twitter they're totes the best thing ever, and Twitter ships totally count.

Goku and Chichi [Dragon Ball]: Yes, I'm talking about Goku and Chichi in DRAGON BALL before the show turned into DBZ and stopped being light hearted and fun and became action packed [which isn't a bad thing]. Goku and Chichi as a bunch of 10 year old, thinking that marriage was a type of food, pretty adorable. And how Chichi got so mad when they grew up and she thought he forgot about her that she wanted to beat him up in the World Martial Arts tournament [which obviously wasn't going to happen--I mean, it's Goku], but Goku DID remember her and STILL loved her. Sure, he ended up being a horrible husband but hey were awesome.

Well... I can't think of anymore, but those are MY FAVORITE! You know aside from "Jazdele" and "Montachez" which will only make sense to six people involved in the joke [Including "Japril"!].

Anyway, see ya'll later!

Fare thee well,
April!

And Jjay says hi! <3

BEDA 17: Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa

Greetings!

I have nothing to talk about.

Uhm... Pretty Little Liars is off season which is sad.

I start school in October. Awesome.

I'm going to start rereading Harry Potter.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts--deedle lee dee--there they are all standing in the road. Big ones. Small ones. Some as big as your head...


Wow, I haven't watch The Lion King in YEARS. I love that movie.

Anyway, I'm going to go finish reading "Gods Behaving Badly" so I can read "Flawless" and start on the rest of my library books so I can read Harry Potter.

Le Sigh.

Fare Thee Well
April

BEDA 16: College, My Future, and Idiots. Boy, Do I Detest Idiots

I get kind of vulgar in this post but, it's just because I'm being very passionate. Excuse my language.

Greetings!

There are lots of things I hate about college. Going in general. The way some teachers grade. The fact that not all of the classes are based on your opinion. The fact that I have to take math in general. I wish I could just do tons and tons of independent research and study what I want and learn what I want and just be happy with that.

But NO. That's not how college works. And the whole core curriculum thing does kind of broaden your horizons and let you learn more about stuff you don't necessarily care for and all that nonsense.

And while I should just go on about how college is a great learning experience I wish every day that I did not have to go.

Why? Because, despite being an institute of higher education a lot of the people who seem to work for these places are complete idiots.

I know, that doesn't make sense but it's true.

When tiny, quiet, "why-don't-you-ever-get-angry" April, almost screams at a lady in the business office, you know things are kind of crazy. Kind of like how when Molly Weasley went around killing people in Deathly Hallows you knew shit was serious.

What happened you might ask?

Well, here's the deal. Last fall I was attending John Carroll University. A fantastic school in Cleveland and everyone loves it and a bunch of famous people went there [not that I know too many of them] and everyone was so excited that I got a full ride.

Now, this would be awesome, except I didn't like it. But here's why: My high school, which made promises that it didn't keep basically, is apart of this great network of schools called the "Cristo Rey Network." For those of you who've never heard of the Cristo Rey schools basically it's a school exclusively for under privileged kids in urban communities who don't make a lot of money and can't afford to go to good schools. Once a week every student in the school goes out to a job site to work for the day and that pays your tuition and you get some real life job experience.

I give my school kudos for that. Plus, if you worked at your job over breaks and stuff you got to keep the money. I did that once. It was awesome.

Now, for four years, I worked at John Carroll University. I loved working at JCU. I had the same supervisor all four years. I love her. I met her sons. We'd hang out and go to lunch sometimes it was great. I worked in the alumni office for two years [it was pretty... okay] and the last two years there I worked in the community service office and that was the best place ever.

Now when I finished high school I got full rides to two schools and being of limited means I obviously had to go to one of them. Eastern Michigan University or John Carroll.

Now, EMU is a great school on paper but when I visited it I HATED the campus and I'd pretty much already lived in a place I hated for 18 years so I opted for John Carroll which I knew like the back of my hand already and I'd have a work study job lined up where I'd worked for 4 years and all that jazz.

So, I start school there and I get a roommate who likes to party and she had really good taste in healthy snacks. We existed around each other but she was cool. And I made other friends and my classes were great and I loved going to work and junk but day after day after day of going to the same place I'd been going to once a week for four years was slowly tearing my mind into little pieces of insanity.

Also, my advisor was an idiot. Like, I had this psychotic Religious Studies teacher and I needed to drop her class and it took him literally 3 Weeks for him to remove me from it because he thought I should take it.

Word to the wise: When the rest of the campus is telling you that your professor is a woman who goes crazy because of her tenure and is a lunatic [even STAFF MEMBERS told me] you listen. My advisor did not.

Anyway...

I got to the point where there was one week where I went to only ONE DAY of my classes because I was losing my mind. I'd already given JCU four years of my life. Four more years and it would be like they owned my soul. I felt trapped and crazy and like I was still in high school because it was just like high school. I associated everything there with high school and I hated it.

So, for my own sanity, I dropped out and decided to go to Cuyahoga Community College while I figured out exactly what I wanted to do to my life.

I got hit with a lot of shit for this decision. My high school principal was appalled that I turned down my scholarship to got Tri-C. It was almost like the money they were giving to go to John Carroll was worth my sanity.

And it's not. I'd rather be sane going to a mediocre school than being miserable and slowly going crazy because people are giving me money.

I have my priorities in order thank you very much and money doesn't top my list. I cannot be bought.

While I was at John Carroll I had to do work-study which meant basically I worked two days a week and that paid off the small amount of tuition that I had [it was like $600]. Now, every two weeks I wrote John Carroll a check consisting of all the money I made doing work study and one week I got sick and after I got out of classes I left campus to go home and be ill instead of paying them when I had like $200 left to pay them.

So, Monday when I get back on campus and am feeling better I get a call:

JCU: "Uh, you didn't pay us this week. Pay us or we'll put a hold on your account."

Me: "I was sick. I went home after I got paid. Excuse me for valuing my health over the money I was going to give you. I'll pay you next week when I get paid again."

JCU: "You won't be able to register for classes if your balance is over $200."

Me: "Well, seeing as how I'm transferring at the end of the semester and that my next pay check will pay off my debt to you people, I'm not too concerned about it."

JCU: "We won't send out your transcripts if you don't pay us!!!"

Me: "Then it's a good thing that MY NEXT CHECK WILL PAY OFF MY DEBT TO YOU PEOPLE SO I'M NOT TOO CONCERNED ABOUT IT, or did you miss me say that the first time."

Do people not listen when I talk? Does every thing I say go in one ear and out the other? How do I give you a legit explanation of my circumstances and you completely miss everything?

So I was happy to leave John Carroll and it's business office that likes to ignore everything you say and I went to Tri-C.

Now, Tri-C seemed nice at  first, but then my friends this semester happened and I'm just about fed up with this school too. I mean, at this point I've already decided what the next step in my life will be so that's awesome because it includes going back to a 4-year institute [my mommas alma mater for that matter--it's not like they take money off your tuition if you're a legacy student with good grades or anything... Except that they totally do] and leaving Tri-C but these past two weeks makes me want to just wait it out and wait to go to Cleveland State University next fall and just screw this school for now.

But no, I'm going to keep going to school like the good girl I am.

But I digress, two weeks ago I went up to Tri-C to ask if the balance I have left on my account from the summer could be combined with my balance from the fall so they could take the hold off my account and I could register for classes. Sounds reasonable especially since I have a stupid amount of money left over anyway.

And it is reasonable because they said "Yes, April. That is fine. We will do that."

I ignored the fact that I had to wait in line AN HOUR because the FINANCIAL AID office had ONE PERSON working there but literally FIFTY PEOPLE waiting to see them because everything was going to work out...

Or so I thought and I should stop expecting things to go right in my life as far as school is concerned because they're not going to. Everyone person I meet is going to be an idiot.

It's two weeks later and the hold was still on my account. Now, I go figure there must be some misunderstanding someone just forgot to click a little button and take the hold off, so I go visit and I tell them this whole story of how I was there two weeks ago to get a hold off my account and they said okay but it's still there.

Now, excuse me for thinking they could just clear up this little mess with a click of a button and poof I'd magically be able to register again but, no. That is not the story of my life.

The story of my life is that woman I spoke to said "we need that in writing from the financial aid office on this particular little pink sheet of paper."

"Aha!" I say, "But I did get it in writing from the financial aid office on that particular sheet of pink paper two weeks ago when I was here originally."

"Do you remember the exact day you were here?"

"Uh, no."

"Who did you talk to?"

"Some Asian woman I think."

"Well, we're too lazy to go and look for it ourselves so you're going to to need to wait in the epicly long line at financial aid and have them sign this particular sheet of pink paper for you again."

"FUCK. YOU."

I was so mad I was ready to leave. Luckily, I was convinced by ever wonderful boyfriend that it would be irrational to leave because I'd have to come back anyway.

So, I wait in line at Fin Aid forever and get inside the office finally where they, without a problem write on the pink sheet of paper that my financial aid will cover my old balance and to please remove the hold.

Awesome. I felt better already. UNTIL, that is, I go back to the business office and the woman is GONE!!!

She told me that I wouldn't have to wait in line again and to just bring it to her when I got back and she'd clear it all up.

AND SHE WAS GONE!

At this point I felt like screaming. Like walking up to the window and swearing loudly about kicking a goat and punching a baby and eating their souls for making things 100 TIMES MORE DIFFICULT THAN THEY NEEDED TO BE.

I wait for about 10 minutes before she shows back up to take the hold off my account.

So, that is how my day was and why I currently hate school.

The only reason I'm even going to school is because my determination to be a author outweighs my unwillingness to deal with idiots and while I could very well write without going to college, I happen to know that it will open all kinds of new experiences for me and new experiences are good when you're a writer.

I have no safety net. No other aspirations and some people would view that as lunacy but they also viewed me leaving John Carroll as lunacy and I'm doing awesome now aren't I? I'm aware becoming a successful writer is more complicated than that but I feel like having a back up plan would be like giving myself permission to fail and I will NOT accept failure.

Maybe one day I'll change my mind, getting a teaching license and teach English as a back up plan, but until I'm going to continue to deal with idiots and be one of those lunatics who aspires to do something completely outrageous.

And when I succeed and people who doubted me tell me how proud they are but how stupid I was I'll say,
"Yeah, but I did it didn't I? So suck my imaginary balls."

I won't be satisfied with a back up plan. If I'm 95 years old and unpublished I'll still be happy because I didn't quit. I didn't settle.

I've never settled for anything and I don't ever want to.

I didn't settled for John Carroll or that boy who liked to write poetry about me when I was in 9th grade.

It may take me a while to get to where I'm going but I'm going to get there. My whole life I've been overlooked because I didn't get straight A's, I was Editor-In-Chief of a newspaper no one wanted to read, I listed Harry Potter as my favorite books and genre of music, and I've always just been nice and "nice guys finish last."

And you know what I say to that? Fuck that.

Whoever said nice guys finish last can blow me. I've been the little, quiet, stepped on kid for too long. I've decided I'm going to be Neville Longbottom the BAMF from Deathly Hallows who basically told Voldemort to go to hell and lived to tell the tale.

And I'm sure that's much more difficult to do than being published. I mean if someone told me my only two options in life were to either tell Voldemort to go to hell or tell me to write books for the rest of my life, I'd definitely write books instead.

And you would too, cause I'm sure you don't want to be Avada Kedavraed.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 15: Snooze

Greetings!

I love having a job, even if it is chaotic and crazy and unorganized and complete lunacy.

As long as I get a paycheck, I'm happy.

What I don't like, however is being so exhausted that I sleep the whole day away... Like today.

And I'm probably going to go back to sleep right now, wake up in an hour to eat and then sleep again because I am that tired.

Ugh...

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 14: A Story!

Greetings!

Since I have to work today and have no time to actually write an entire blog, I'd like to instead share a short story I wrote you guys!

Booyah!

Giraffes

We walked in through the sliding doors of the Wal-Mart. The floors were muddy in the antechamber of the store. Dirty carpets littered the entrance and random blue carts crowded us as we pushed through the main entrance.

A little, old lady, standing steady on a cane held out a yellow sticker with Wal-Mart’s customary smiley face.

“Welcome to Wal-Mart,” she said, her voice trembling.

Alison flipped her blonde hair back and took the sticker graciously.

“Stickers are so much fun,” she said as we walked on. Alison towered over little Taryn. She was small, her tight brown curls danced and bounced as she glided through the store gracefully. Every time I saw Taryn, I smiled on the inside. Being around her energized me.

The purpose of our excursion to Wal-Mart was so Alison, my oldest childhood friend, and Taryn, my new next door neighbor and friend, could meet. It was going to be fun I thought.

As we walked up to a shelf of books, Taryn squealed with delight. She grabbed my arm tightly, hugging it almost. We hadn’t known each other long, but I was really comfortable being around her. I didn’t mind her being so close and invading my personal space – I welcomed it even.

“John Green!” Taryn said, finally. She released me and walked over to the shelf picking up a copy of Looking for Alaska. “I love this book and I love John Green.”

“One of the Vlog Brothers?” Alison asked.

“You know them?” I asked. Alison was the last person I expected to be hip to YouTube vlogs. Especially the Vlog Brothers, who were famous just for being nerds and having a cult following of nerds – Like Taryn and me.

Alison shrugged. “Yeah, they’re alright,” she said dismissively. “I watched them on National Coming Out Day and it kinda turned me off though.”

“Why? Isn’t it so cool how they talk about people loving people? I think so,” Taryn said with a smile.

Alison cringed. “Well, what do you think, Olivia?”

“Uh, well, you know, I like Hank and John Green,” I said, changing the subject. Taryn being who she was and Alison being who she was gave me good reason to do so.

“What’s wrong with people loving people?” Taryn asked, more seriously this time.

“Nothing as long as guys like girls and vice versa,” Alison said. We moved out of the book aisle and I prayed that we’d left the issue there with the paperbacks.

“Why?” Taryn asked.

We’d wandered into the toy aisle where stuffed animals lined the walls. I picked up a stuffed penguin from the shelf and felt its soft fur as Taryn and Alison went on.

“Because, it’s not natural,” Alison said. “And what does it matter anyway?”

Taryn pulled her hair back to reveal big, hoop, rainbow earrings which she affectionately called her gay pride earrings.

“Oh,” Alison said, looking at Taryn with disgust in her eyes.

Taryn stood next to me, a scowl gracing her pretty face, her crystal blue eyes narrowed angrily on Alison.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” Taryn said.

“It’s weird. It doesn’t work,” Alison said. “Right, Olivia?”

There it was – the one question I didn’t want directed at me.

I sat the penguin back on its shelf and took a few steps away from both of my friends, thinking seriously.

I looked at Alison. I’d known her since we were grade school. Her friendship meant the world to me. She’d always been there for me and there wasn’t a thing in the world we couldn’t talk about.

I shifted my glance toward Taryn. She’d only just moved in next door in August, but she knew and understood me completely. She was smart, funny, honest, beautiful and I couldn’t imagine what I would ever do without her. It was a painful thought that I might not be able to be close to her one day.

I looked up in front of me and saw two happy looking giraffes. Now was the time for me to get it together and to be perfectly honest about what I thought. I grabbed the giraffes off the shelf and held them out in front of Alison’s face.

“What?” Alison asked, staring at the two fuzzy characters I’d placed in front of her.

“This is me,” I said shaking one giraffe, “a giraffe. And this is Taryn, another giraffes and there is nothing wrong with giraffes loving giraffes. I’m a giraffe who loves a giraffe, Alison.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

“Giraffes love giraffes. People love people and it’s okay,” I said.

“Olivia. . . What are you saying?” Alison asked.

“She’s a lesbian, Alison,” Taryn said, gently, almost in a whisper.

Alison stared back at me and I nodded.

“And even if I weren’t, I’d still think it were okay,” I said.

Alison shook her head and started to walk away. I felt helpless for a moment, until Taryn ushered me to go after her.

I dashed off, pushing past little kids as I went out of the toy aisle to the front of the store at the checkout.

“Alison, come on,” I said putting my hand on her shoulder after I caught up to her.

She quickly spun around, blinding me in a flurry of blonde locks.

“No! What?!” she asked. “Taryn moves in next door and you suddenly become gay? Are you serious?”

I hung my head down a bit. I’d never heard her yell at me before. A knot was forming in my chest. My best friend hated me. Patrons walking past with their children and friends stared in wonder as she yelled.

“I always have been. . . I just. . . I never said anything,” I said.

Alison shook her head again, trying to shake away my confession. She went back to the antechamber.

“Alison, you’re my best friend. You can’t hate me. Not for this. You can’t hate me because of the people I care about,” I pleaded.

Alison didn’t turn around to me. She stared through the giant glass windows and shook her head. “Goodbye, Olivia.”

She walked through the sliding doors, not bothering to stop or look back.

I felt tears rushing to my eyes. I felt abandoned.

Then a warm hand wrapped around mine. I looked over to see Taryn, giving me an encouraging smile. Without even saying a word, she told me it would be okay.

Fare thee well,

April

BEDA 13: Friends and Awkward Stuff and Yay

Greetings!


Friends are awesome.

They are awesome to sit around and have awkward conversations with.

Friends are awesome because you learn they have "underwear and bank statements drawer."

You can talk about... Awkward stuff.

I don't get to see my friends too often since we graduated from high school and when I do get to see them I love being around them.

You learn things like library's have a lot of yaoi manga in them.

We watch things like "Trans American" and "Clue" because those things totally go together.

We watch the shake weight commercial which is hilarious.

We talk about sex toy sales at Oberlin and Sweeney Todd and Harry Potter/Yu-Yu Hakusho cross over fanfiction.

Even though my friends are weird and we talk about weird things and occasionally throw ourselves nto awkward situations but that's the ind of friends I have.

Even though some of them prefer Macs to PCs [I'm a PC] I love them.

Pretty much none of this made any sense and probably just made most of you confused and maybe disgusted, but I pretty much wrote this on a whim [on a Mac, ewe] so I coul keep up with BEDA because I am determined.

So, booyah.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 12: My 3 Favorite Books and My Life

Greetings!

I haven't read many books, but I'm really good at giving off the illusion that I have read a lot of books.

Thanks to Twitter, I have made a really, really long list of books I want to read and I've read a lot of awesome books as well.

But even though I've read some really awesome books my three favorite books are books I loved before Twitter.

The first is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Pretty much everyone can appreciate the Harry Potter books for having an awesome story line and for being so well written and researched. If I could be a quarter as amazing as Jo Rowling I would be a MUCH better writer than I am now. Anyway, aside from how the books are written there are two reason why OotP is my favorite Harry Potter book.

Firstly, it's the last book where ALL of my favorite characters are still alive. How Jo managed to successfully kill off all but ONE of them is a stupendous feat of brilliance and torture.

Secondly, I totally lived that book. When I was 15, I was angsty, I was angry, I was in a constant state of discombobulation and I wanted to hit everyone in the face for pretty much no reason--just like Harry Potter. I didn't have a dark wizard stalking my dreams and I wasn't some pretty Asian girl's rebound after I watched her boyfriend die, but I felt like everyone around me was behaving stupidly and secretively and creating unnecessary drama and it drove me mad.

Remember CAPS LOCK HARRY-- yeah, there was a CAPS LOCK APRIL [oddly enough, I typed all of that while holding the "shift" key]. Harry got angry and tore up all the shit in Dumbledore's office. I threw a bottle at my little brother and busted a hole [yes, a clean hole] through his lip. Just like Harry isn't proud of destroying Dumbledore's office, I'm not particularly proud of busting a hole in my brother's lip.

Unlike Harry, I went through six months of stree and anger management to deal with my issues and fortunately no one close to me had to die for me to get my act together.

The point I'm trying to make here is that being 15 was the worst age I could ever possibly be and after reading all of the Harry Potter books, I'd have to say that if you look at Harry from the perspective of him being a normal 15 year old, it was probably the most stressful for him [though running around the forest for months when he was 17 and having your best friend lose their mind was probably pretty awful too--but that's from the stand point of being the "Chosen One].

The second book I love with all my heart and soul is The Giver. A lot of kids in my school could careless for this book because it was summer reading before 10th grade but I loved that book. I read that book in a day because I was so enthralled with it.

And then it touched on my favorite thing ever--the power of love.

In the book the word "love" meant pretty much nothing. You used the word love in situations like "I love these potatoes." But the boy [the main character whose name escapes me. Jonas? Or was that his best friend? I am crap at names.] was obviously able to experience the feeling of love and even though love could lead you do some pretty stupid and sometimes awful things, he though their "perfect" society needed it because everyone needed to feel how amazing and awesome and wonderful the power of love was.

Freaking. Awesome.

It made you question whether or not sacrificing all those things was worth it to have a world without violence and crime and poverty if it also meant having a world without love.

And my third favorite was... Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. I know what you're thinking "What are you 12?" No. I'm 19, and I was 9 when I read that book. Still, 10 years later, I remember the PTS's and "we must increase our bust" and being introduced to the lie that my period would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Aside from the latter, I'm really glad my mother made me read that book [and I will surely introduce my daughter to it, but let her know ahead of the time about the biggest lie I was ever told]. I read a lot books when I was nine years old that helped shaped me. I read Sorcerers Stone for the first time when I was nine. I read The Diary of Anne Frank when I was nine [I know, intense book for a nine year old but, whatever]. But Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret made me grow up a bit.

It helped me learn about being myself and it made me really love my friends and taught me to really value friendship because sometimes they're the only ones who understand.

I've read other books that have shaped my life, like Looking For Alaska, The Diary of Anne Frank for example. I look forward to reading a lot of other life changing books in the future [and thanks to Twitter I probably will].

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 11: All You Need Is Love

Greetings!

My favorite subject about anything ever is love.

Yesterday I talked about growing old with someone you love and not falling out of love.

But, I should elaborate, that the only way for this wonderful fantasy of mine to come true is to find a love that isn't work.

I hate when people say they have to work to keep their relationships alive and that love is hard work.

And as soon as I was old enough to be able to imagine love in my mind and to read about it and experience it, that's what I expected. I expected people to fight, to get angry, to hate each other at times and that if you could go through all of that and love each other then you were golden.

But here I am now, crazy in love and it isn't work and I'm slightly baffled by this concept that relationships are hard work and anyone who knows me won't try to deny that my relationship is as smooth as soft butter gliding over a hot skillet.

I don't see the point in fighting because fighting doesn't solve problems, it only makes more. And TRUST is never an issue.

And then there's the fact that we operate like two separate entities working towards one common goal. He gets that all I like to do is read, write and indulge in the occasional Action RPG when I'm not in school. And I get that he wants to work and help his family and eventually do military stuff in lieu of going to school and indulge in the occasional Call of Duty session with is peoples (yeah, I just said "peoples") every once in a while.

Even though sometimes I spend more time than I should reading or writing or whenever I leave drawers open he gets irritated. But he doesn't get so irritated that he he blows up at me like "Put the F*cking book down and pay attention to me!". It's more like "Babe, it's one o'clock in the morning. I think  you should put the laptop down and go to sleep now."

And sometimes he'll dump the laundry basket on the bed which REALLY grinds my gears but I won't go "take the laundry off the bed or I'll cut you d!ck off!" I just fold the clothes up and put them away and it's water under the bridge.

That's how love should be, you know? A relationship that two people enjoy and cherish; that needs not to be work but to be fun and simply filled to the brim with care, compassion, and kindness to one another.


All you need is love.



Fare thee well,
April (And also Jjay)

BEDA 10: Date Night

Greetings!

So, I'm watching "Date Night" with Tina Fey and Steve Carrel and so far it's hilarious.

But it, like most movies, put a thought in my head.

Basically, when I get married i don't want to fall into a routine where my life becomes so boring that my husband ends up being "roommates."

That would suck. When you fall in love with someone and you're crazy about them and then one day--poof, all that love is gone.

I know people fall out of love, but to fall out of love and not know it. After choosing to spend your entire life with someone and then all of a sudden you're just married... Just because. There's no love. There's no romance.

I know after a certain amount of time you're not going to be that crazy young couple you were when you met, but I dream about being that old lady, sitting on her porch in her rocker with gray hair, next to her husband and they sit together and remember the old days and what it was like to be young and in love and that they look at each other every day and the mere memory of what made them fall in love with each other in the first place makes them love each other even MORE.

That's beautiful and that's what I want.

Anyway, I've got stuff to do... Like wait for Teen Mom to rerun at midnight and watch Family Guy.

Also, watch Date Night. Hilarious.

Song of the Day: "Super Massive Blackhole" Muse

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 9: Fangirl

Greetings!

Okay world, here's the deal--I take fangirling really seriously. I fangirl a lot of people.

Johnny Young Bosch. Tom Felton. Gary Oldman. Hall AND Oates. Pixie Lott.

I fangirl people who aren't real too.

Everyone in Bleach. Dumbledore. Goku. Chewbacca. Stewie Griffin. Neville Longbottom.

And some people are really disturbed when I get into overactive fangirly mode. Like, every time they have a Harry Potter weekend and I start hyperventilating and sweating excessively. Or how I always feel soul crushingly heartbroken when I miss an episode of Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. People see me react this way and they're like "whoa, dude, chill that out."

I can't help being a fangirl. I love being a fangirl.

How can one take so much pride and joy in just being excited about something to an almost annoying extent?

Because it's fun. I love hopping up and down with glee every time a Gary Oldman movie comes out (By the way, I'm about to watch The Book of Eli tonight. Oh, baby, I can't wait). I squealing senselessly every time I see Toshiro Hitsugaya use his bankai. I love laughing until there are tears in my eyes when Vegeta brutally murders someone in a totally not hilarious way.

And I love to shamelessly promote things I love. Like, every time Tom Felton tells me to tweet something, I do it because that's what a good fangirl does.

And of course my favorite thing to fan girl is Harry Potter, of course, because, hello, it's awesome.

There's nothing like going out and just losing it over something that makes you happy. That makes your heart sing and dance with joy... and joyness...

Anyway, I've run out of things to say so I'll just leave it on a high note.

Today, I won a contest on Twitter and I NEVER WIN. I won a copy of "The Sky Is Everywhere" and I'm so excited. This is the best twitter related thing to happen to me since Maureen Johnson answered one of my questions during Four Questions. It's the simple things in life, you know?

In the meanwhile, I've got a bedroom to clean and clothes to put away otherwise my boyfriend will be quite irritated with me. I'll see you fine people tomorrow.

Fare thee well,
April

Song Of the day: Diamonds Area Girl's Best Friend

BEDA 8: This Too Shall Pass... I Think

Greetings!

So, as of late, I've been spending more and more time inside of my own head.

I don't write so much in my journal anymore. I find myself venting about things that in the grand scheme of it all are minute and insignificant. And randomly, I get filled with the urge to cry for absolutely no reason. All of this could mean only one thing.

I'm about to have a mental snap.

I'm used to it happening. It happens when I find myself in a place where I can't express myself properly or I'm afraid to express myself so I hold all of my emotions in and months and months will pass and then at one point something small and stupid will just make my snap and all of my emotions will just start spilling out and I'll end up locked in my room for a week crying for, what seems like to other people, no reason.

I'm the one always saying my life isn't that hard. People have it worse than I do. I'm fortunate to have everything I have right now and that should be good enough.

So why does this happen to me every year or so?

The first time it happened I was in 9th grade.  It was finals week at school and crazily enough it had nothing to do with me losing my mind. I say it often enough but my family drives me crazy and had been driving me crazy. I felt like I was a black sheep. At school I felt like I didn't have many friends and days were passing by in a blur of review for exams and going home to a bunch of people that irritated me.

So one day, I was at school and I probably looked like I was a mess because my theology teacher who is pretty much the most amazing person on the planet, just kind of asked me how I was doing and I said I was okay but then I went home and ended up sitting in my room crying.

I still don't think I would've survived being a freshman if it weren't for my theology teacher making an effort to see how I was doing daily, to offer his help, to help me make me feel good about myself again.

But since 9th grade, it's happened many more times. When I was in 10th grade I snapped again in January--that snap landed me in stress and anger management at school though.

I don't recall snapping in 11th grade but in 12th grade at the very beginning of the school year I lost it.

And now, weeks before I begin my third semester of college, I feel that familiar feeling creeping up on me again. Days are buzzing by hazily. I feel like I'm despairing over nothing. Things suck without having a reason to suck. Myself esteem is in the pits. I'm spiraling downward into a suffocating pit of depression and I don't know how to escape it.

People tell me I'm normal. That's it's normal to feel like this, but I don't think it is. How can feeling helpless and miserable be normal when what's normal for me is being happy and glad and optimistic.

When I'm happy, I'm so, so happy. Every once in a blue moon I feel like the world has gone to shit and it's scary for me. I don't know how to handle feeling like this and I don't know how to properly articulate my feelings without sounding shallow and petty and selfish.

I'm fairly certain the universe doesn't hate me, so why do I feel like it does?

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 7: Work

I'll just say this you guys, blogging is hard when you work 10 hours.

But I blog anyway.

Fare thee well,
April

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

BEDA 6: 19 Kids and Douche Bags

Greetings.

I think I jumped the gun when I wrote things that piss me off a few days ago. I mean Nick Cage and cabinets really grind my gears but then something else was brought to my attention.

Douche bags and people with too many children are probably the two things in the world that never fail to make me angry.

Now, let me just get them out of the way--the cast of Jersey Shore. I'm sure the reason they leave a bad taste in my mouth is obvious. The show may as well be called "A Day In the Life Of A Douche Bag."

But my "favorite" douche bag of all time has got to be Jon Gosselin. Who doesn't love that guy? I mean, did you ever watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 and feel, Jon I want to punch you in your face?

My favorite episode to site was when he was remodeling the attic or something and his kids kept coming upstairs and saying "Daddy I want to spend time with you" and obviously he sends them away because all the paint and stuff and it's bad for them. But then the whole house takes a break to eat lunch and he, Jon, sits in the attic with his best friend and says he doesn't want to go to downstairs to be with his kids simply because he didn't want to be annoyed by them.

That was the first episode of Jon and Kate that I saw and I judged Jon in that episode. And you know what, I'm pretty sure I was right.

And while you would think that the Gosselins would fall into the category of too may children, but no.

Here's why--the Gosselins have eight children because of in-vitro fertilization and multiple births happen all the time with that. Plus, those kids make me laugh. They're so honest like "I think my mom's crazy" or "I thought it was a stupid idea."

Ah, refreshing honesty from children. Good times.

BUT THE DUGGARS on the other hand have 19 children pretty much, just because. Now I went to Catholic school so I'm used to the idea of being against condoms and having to repopulate the earth and what not.

Which is cool if you believe that, but 19 CHILDREN? 19 CHILDREN? ARE YOU KIDDING?

If i had 19 children I wouldn't remember their names. I would end up neglecting half of them and I'd totally play favorites. I'd be a horrible mother.

Not to mention the family is crazy. I mean, it's one thing to raise your family to have strong, Christian values if you're into that, but the Duggars are like... Whoa!

I just can't fathom how you could stand it. How could you afford that many children in this economy? How could you want more?

I can't express properly why I detest them. I just do.

And have you ever watched the show Ugh! Every five minutes it's like "Most families usually only pack four or five suitcases, but we pack 20!" or "Most families usually drive a minivan but we drive a bus."

*slams head against screen*

I'm done. They're making me angry.

Fare thee well,
April

19 CHILDREN!?! Ugh!

BEDA 5: Dumbledore Is Gay, and That's Okay

Greetings!

Holy cow! Gay marriage in California is a go-go. Equality for the win!

Seriously, it warms my heart to see stuff like that happen. It's totally awesome that people are getting the opportunity to share their lives with people they love despite gender. Yes, world, freaking awesome.

I live in Ohio which is a pretty awesome state, but gay marriage isn't legal here which is a bummer and also really confusing. Like, the volume of gay people is massive here--or maybe I just happen to know tons and tons of them. Anyway, it does make sense because until recently Ohio was a red state (a very red state, not like Texas red, but red enough) and red states are usually quite opposed to gay marriage.

It totally blows that there's no gay marriage here. I'm personally not gay but I have friends, and even family members, that are and they deserve the same privileges straight people do.

And even though not everyone in the world is as open about people being people and being together and happy and loving each other, I do know that there are people out there who do, in spite of what can only be assumed is ignorance, try to make the world better for our fellow gay man.

Like Google, who I'm pretty much in love with, has this company policy where gay employees get paid slightly more because they won't get benefits that straight people get or something or other. This article explains it much better than I do, but I think Google is awesome for that, among all the other awesome things that they do.

Like my android phone *strokes droid eris lovingly*

Anywho, I hope that one day our world will accept everyone for who they are and love them for who they love and not be so ridiculous.

And I don't mean just for LGBT's. Not too long ago a couple in I think Louisiana wasn't allowed a marriage license because they're an interracial couple which does directly concern me being that I'm in an interracial relationship.

Ignorance of all kind needs to be gotten rid of and people should be allowed to love each other and just live in general despite who they love or what they believe or whatever.

People are people. We're all carbon based life forms aren't we (I mean, that is scientifically correct isn't it? Carbon right? Crap, I should've paid more attention in biology class but it's SO HARD when your lab partner is a cute boy).

Fare Thee Well,
April

BEDA 4: Om, Nom Nom

Greetings!

I am rushed today so this will be short.

I am so hungry. Like really hungry. Today, I ate half a grilled stuffed burrito today and then like 7 gross mircowaved pizza rolls.

A lot of the food I eat here comes in a can or a box or frozen in a bag.

But now I'm off to eat a real home cooked meal and I am really happy.

As college student I thought I could live off pizza rolls and ravioli. But no, I can't.

And promise me, if you had to eat only that every single day, you'd feel the same.

So even when you start to get tired of eating pot roast for every meal at home, one day you're going be tired of that ramen and fast food and miss that pot roast.

Promise.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 3: You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry--Whenever That Is

Greetings.

Yesterday while writing and being emo, I wrote about how there are few things in this world that make me truly angry. And when I thought that I actually tried to deduce things in this world that make me truly and see if my angry for them is justified.

We'll start with one I mentioned yesterday

Nick Cage is staring into your soul....

Nick Cage - Now, I know I promised a certain fangirl out that I would stop bashing him while she was around but... The reason that I detest him is that... I just can't bring myself to take him seriously as an actor. Like, what's with that vacant expression he has on his face all the time, like he's staring at something far away even when he's talking to something two feet away. Also, he's kind of a pansy, I mean, did you see Ghost Rider? It was awful and I feel like it might not have been so awful if Nick Cage weren't in it. I cannot think of a good movie he's been from my personal perspective and it's not just because he's been in them. What was that movie he was in recently with the end of the world and he saw all those numbers stuff and the plane crash and the end was stupid... *googles* Knowing! That was it. It was great - Nick Cage played the confused father character and that was good for him. I think I would like him better if he stopped trying to be an action movie hero (the same way that Ice Cube should do action movies instead of family comedies). It doesn't work. Anyway, clearly my disdain for him isn't justified and is also pretty ridiculous, but it's like every time I see one of his movies I can't help but wonder how he keeps getting work...

Anyway. Other things that make me angry would be... My boyfriend's exgirlfriend.

I think everyone pretty much has bad feelings towards their partners exes, am I right? But, the reason thinking about them together is so awful because she was so awful to him. Like, she'd go out of her way to instigate fights with him and she was bossy and pushy and a cheater and just all the things you shouldn't be in a relationship. And that makes me angry but he spent three years with her and was miserable for most of it while I watched from the sidelines being offended that she was mistreating pretty much the greatest person who ever lived and despite being so mistreated he gave everything.

That shit was not cool. Anger justified.

Next I'll say, when people buy food and the house is full of food and then people forget what moderation is, so that people like me, who do eat in moderation, end up with nothing. Let me explain. Let's say we'd go the grocery store on Tuesday and get enough food to last us two weeks. Now, instead of having to go get groceries again in two weeks we end up going Friday because every single scrap of food in the house was eaten by locust who had to eat all of it because they don't understand that it's not going anywhere. And while they eat continually throughout the day because they're bored or whatever, I only eat when I'm hungry which is like, twice a day, maybe three, and for a day or two I'll be fine when only eating like that, but then on the third all the food has been hoarded and eaten, everyone who ate it leaves and I'm left to collapse into myself from having nothing to eat and being empty on the inside. And living in a first world country, having a roof over my head, and being capable to eat when I'm hungry, I shouldn't have to go hungry. Right?

Anger totally justified.

Cabinets are dangerous. Please close them

When people leave cabinet doors in the kitchen open and I whack my head on them. Sometimes it makes me bleed and I end up walking around with a band-aid on my forehead like that kid from Fooly Cooly. Anger justified.

There aren't many other things that make me angry. Mother nature makes me angry every once in a while, but that can't be helped without major surgery.

Basically, I look around a lot and see people who wake up just mad at the world and at like really trivial things like "OMG! I asked for my steak medium rare! This medium! How dare they?!"

Is the world going to end if your steak isn't cooked to perfection? No. Is it endangering anyone's health and safety or well being? Doubt it. Can the steak hurt you? Only if you don't chew it properly.

Things in life irritate me. I get irritated all the time, but some people take irritation and blow it out of proportion into something huge and unnecessary and I can't help but wonder if people actually notice when they're being angry for no reason.

I think the angriest I've ever gotten was in 11th grade and a woman who shall hence forth be called "Professor Umbridge" was my theology teacher. Now, this woman was kind of an idiot. She told us a story about how she woke up at 3 in the morning thinking Jesus rang her doorbell, only to discover that she didn't have a doorbell because she lived in a trailer. She also used to tell us that Muhammad and Jesus were cousins and she constantly used the phrase "an den duh Buddha" when teaching us about Hinduism. Yeah. exactly.

"An den I realized I didn't have a doorbell!"

So, I got really sick in 11th grade and was in the hospital a lot for these horrible headaches and when it time to give out report cards all my other teachers took into account the fact that I'd been in the hospital getting poked with needles and that I had a headache 24/7 that sometimes got so bad I couldn't focus and be in school--Except Umbridge.

Now, at report card pick up, she sat down and tried to tell me, in front of all my other teachers and my mother (who also thought she was an idiot mind you), that she gave a C in her class because I turned in an assignment late because I wasn't absent for it when I was. Then when I proved her wrong she tried to say it was a homework assignment she gave me when it was an in class assignment!

And I was getting angry, I had rage in my eyes and my teachers were exchanging worried glances and I was taking lots of deep breaths. When she finally left the room my history teacher and my English teacher and my mother told me they knew she was lying and that I just had to do better next term and that she wouldn't be a problem anymore.

But I was mad because she ruined my already mediocre average with the unjustified grade.

She didn't come back the next year. Some say it's because she went to Australia. Most believe she got fired for being incompetent and had to go to Australia. To this day, the teachers in my high school avoid speaking of her to be polite.

Not since then have I been that angry in front of people and even then I'm only like that when it's totally justified in my eyes anyway.

I'm really pleased that I'm doing so well on BEDA so far. I'm so proud of myself. I'll probably run out of ideas next week and start rambling about nonsense.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 2: There Must Be Some Misunderstanding

Greetings!

Have you ever just felt lonely? Like, that awful, cliche feeling of being a room of crowded people and still feeling hopelessly alone?

I guess being a girl, being 19, being human, it's natural to feel that way every now and again. Humans are complex creatures aren't we? We aren't going to be completely understood all of the time, which I think is great.

But sometimes I just think people should kind of learn after a while. I think that people you spend 95% of your time with should come to understand you a little bit right?

I mean let's take me for example. When you first meet me, you learn one thing right off the bat - I am quiet and polite. Extremely quiet and very polite. I know, that's two things but they go hand in hand. You ask my name and I give it and I smile and I say thank you and return compliments, all the while being quiet and using as few words as possible. I'm like a robot. I can't work any other way.

The second thing you learn about me is probably that I like to read and write because for some reason people always ask me what I like to do as a follow up question to your typical niceties.

The third thing is that I like Harry Potter. It won't be clear at first how much I like it depending on how interested the person asking is in Harry Potter but it will come up because it's part of me.

So these are the three basic things that you learn about me up front.

So, say you know me for Over a year and I see you everyday and am around you 24/7. I know it's hard for people to get to know me because I am so quiet, but generally when I'm quiet, 100% of people will say, "You're quiet! Why are you so quiet?" and I will shrug, give a coy smile and say "I don't know." 95% of people will be dissatisfied with this answer go on to pry more information out of me.

Now, it is that five percent that have known me over a year who will continually ask why I'm quiet and then let it go and then out of the blue tell me how they don't understand me.

Now, I already know I'm difficult and that in order to get me talking you have to pry which i'm sorry for. I'm not a very good conservationist and off paper I'm not very witty--I'm not very witty on paper either--so I'm not very sure of myself when it comes to talking to people.

But what I cannot stand is for someone who wants to try to understand me not make an effort to understand me. I'm not going to sit down and tell you out of the blue explain to you why I love Harry Potter so much. All you have to do is ask "Why do you like Harry Potter so much?"

Ask me why I'm so quiet and polite all of the time.

Ask me my favorite color.

You telling me continually that I'm quiet over and over again isn't going to get you anywhere. I'm so easy to understand. I'm not deep. I make sense.

Like, why do I like Harry Potter? Because it taught me about love and friendship and that when you're going through the worst possible thing you could ever go through as long a you have those two things and a little a bit of magic you WILL make it out alive.

Why am I quiet and polite all of the time? Because I'm an introvert and you're probably ten times more interesting than I am. And I'm polite because you're supposed to be polite. It's good manners and people really like you when you're polite and I like being well-liked so it's not going to hurt me to be nice all of the time.

My favorite colour is periwinkle!

I was once asked why I never get angry and I reply that because most things in life aren't worth getting angry over.

Now in this case the answer confused people and in that case you can't really ask a follow up question because well, there aren't really things that make me angry (except Nick Cage.... Grr...)

But I digress, you know how they say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for? Well, maybe if people stopped wondering about the quiet people and asked them questions instead we would make more sense.

And the people that do ask questions and do make an effort to understand the quiet people in the world, I love them. They make me feel like I matter. I feel like the more you know about me, the less you judge me or stare at me all bewildered like because you'd know, "oh, she's always nervous in front of new people" or "this is probably an uncomfortable situation for her."

One of my best friends was a quiet little introvert just like me, but one day I decided to ask her to help me with my history assignment and ask her about herself and BAM. Now I love her and all her WWE obsessedness and she loves me for being addicted to Potter.

Because I asked her a few questions. And if little, shy, terrified of new people me can ask someone a few questions and make a best friend then it can't be all that hard to ask me a few questions just for reference so you're not so baffled by me.

And I feel lonely because even though I'm surrounded by all these wonderful and intersting people day in and day out they don't know me. They don't get me. They don't understand me. It's hard to feel accepted when you're in a place that you're just so out of place in. And to think, all this loneliness could be dispelled is people just tried a little harder.

Fare Thee Well,
April

BEDA 1: Attention

Greetings!

So, I'm going to give this whole BEDA (Blog Everyday in August) thing a whirl! Here goes...

I recently read a book, Easy by Kerry Cohen Hofmann.

It was an easy read and it wasn't very long, but I think that book is going to stick with me forever.

It's about a 14-year-old girl who uses her sexuality to kind of make a name for herself and to get attention, and of course, she starts to self-loathe and feel bad about what she's doing and whatnot.

It kind of reminded me of Speak by Laurie-Halse Anderson in that it took a subject not typically touched upon and put it out there in an honest manner which I liked.

Essentially, the reason this book will probably stick with me forever is because I remember being a 14-year-old girl who wanted attention from someone, anyone.

And  the girl in this book went to some pretty dangerous and scary lengths to get attention. And part of me thinks that given the opportunity I might have acted just as recklessly when I was that age which is frightening. But I didn't go out and do the things she did.

I was desperate for attention when I was 14, and when I didn't get it I ended up spending most of my time in my counselor's office crying and feeling stressed out which was a healthy safe alternative.

And while I spent a considerable amount with my fantastic counselor in high school because of being attention starved and stressed out, I'm glad I was attention starved.

I wouldn't have gotten that attention I needed. I would've gotten some attention but the good kind. I remember not too long after I started high school there were going around making out with all kinds of people just because they could and if I wanted attention that's what I would've had to do. And if I had acted like that today I would feel ashamed.

Now, how do I get attention. I write. I tweet whatever's on my mind and people confusedly reply back. And sometimes I don't get attention and on those occasions I talk to my dog and he always listens.

Anyway, I think you should read Easy if you haven't because it's a true story and I like trust stories. And I don't mean true in the sense that it actually happened, but it's true in the sense that somebody definitely lived it.

In the meanwhile, SHARK WEEK is on and I must go indulge myself.

Fare thee well,
April