HP Book One: Chapter 4

Chapter Title: The Keeper of the Keys
What I Would Call It: Do Not Piss Off Hagrid

Assuming, Uncle Vernon knew all about wizards and magic and awesome, what was he doing with a riffle? Like, seriously, a riffle? Wizards don't need guns. They're magic. Idiot.

But yes, Uncle Vernon greets Hagrid (yay! Hagrid!) with a riffle at the door (which Hagrid accidentally knocked down because he's a BAMF).

After frightening Dudley we hear this phrase for the first time "you look like your dad, but you've got your mother's eyes", except Hagrid says it all adorable and Hagrid like with lots of "yer's" and "yeh'ves."

Uncle Vernon, still has his riffle, like he's some kind of badass, but Hagrid is more badass and takes the gun and twists it into a knot all like the Juggernaut or something.

After this feat of awesome he gives Harry a cake which he may or may not have sat on "at some point". (Ewe).

Harry asks who Hagrid is and he introduces himself as "Rubeus Hagrid--Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." He fails to mention that he's the most adorable character in the book until you meet Neville, Tonks, and Luna, in that order.

So, Hagrid whips up some tea, some sausage, and some "amber liquid" from his pockets along with a tea kettle and poker from his pockets. I think perhaps Hagrid is the reason I never take anything out of my pockets. The things I find in there would blow your mind.

Harry, after enjoying some sausage tells Hagrid he still has no idea who he is. Hagrid mentions Hogwarts again and Harry is still completely clueless.

Hagrid is described as looking shocked. Harry apologizes for his ignorance which offends Hagrid because how can you NOT KNOW what Hogwarts is. It's only the best place ever in the whole of the universe. The only time I would ever turn down an invitation to Hogwarts is if the Doctor and the TARDIS popped up and he asked me if I wanted to go visit the Palace of Black Marble on the planet Meiers in the Dagobah System--or anywhere really.

Actually in that event I'd probably cry on the Doctor's shoes and ask why he chose NOW to come into my life and why he would ever make me choose between him and Hogwarts. I don't know what I'd do.

But I digress, the outrages don't stop at lack of knowing about Hogwarts. They continue on to Harry not even know that he was famous, or that about anything. Then, line that pretty much everyone wants to hear told to them by Hagrid: "yer a wizard."

And then he get's his Hogwarts letter and my insides are set ablaze with jealousy.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with Dumbledore's name and many titles: Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Cofed. of Wizards.

Again, they forgot "The Ultimate Badass" and "Girls Want Him and Guys Want to Be Him" and "Connoisseur of Candy."

I want a Hogwarts letter saying "Dear Miss Frazier, we are please to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." I want McGonagall to sign it at the bottom in her fancy cursive. And here's Harry all "I don't know what's going on? What does it mean by 'send an owl?' What's a muggle?"

I know it's not his fault but, all the same, he has no idea how awesome his life is about to become... If you ignore all the murder and the being hunted by a dark wizard...

So Hagrid explains--his parents were wizards, he is a wizard, he is going to Hogwarts. He tells him about how Voldemort tried for absolutely no reason *couch cough* to kill Harry and his parents and that he's super famous because he was only a year old when Voldemort tried to kill him and he failed and has since then vanished.

Some how, Uncle Vernon is still determined to not let Harry go to Hogwarts.

Silly muggle.

But then Vernon calls Dumbledore a crackpot old fool and Hagrids get's all awesome.

After telling Vernon to never insult Dumbledore in front of him he gives Dudley a pig's tail with his awesome pink umbrella of awesomeness. Of course, he had been trying to turn Dudley into a pig, but I think this result was much funnier. Like, turning him into a whole pig would've been scary but just a pig's tail, shows yes you CAN do magic but you're just giving them a taste of it.

The thing is Hagrid isn't allowed to use magic because he was expelled from Hogwarts in his third year--they snapped his wand and everything. Harry asks why (WHY indeed) and then Hagrid changes the subject. They've got to get his stuff for school tomorrow! It's exciting! It's wonderful!

Then Hagrid puts a cloak on Harry that may or may not still have mice in the pockets.

Again, ewe.

HP Book One: Chapter 3

Chapter Title: The Letter's From No One
What I Would Call It: Why Does Harry Get A Thousand Hogwarts Letters When I Can't Even Get ONE?

It's okay to laugh, Harry.

In the beginning of this chapter we're introduced to a new sport: Harry Hunting. Instead of calling this book "the Sorcerer's Stone" why not just title it "Idiot's Guide to Traumatizing Children"? I was so happy for Harry at the zoo with his ice cream and now he's back to being locked in the cupboard being the main target of a game called "Harry Hunting".

However, things are looking up--Dudley and his BFF Piers are going to some school called Smelting where they wear maroon tailcoats and orange knickerbockers. Apparently knickerbocker isn't just a funny word, they also look funny because Harry laughed on the inside when he saw Dudley in them. Harry Potter, my 11-year-old self would've have tried to marry you. Just sayin'.

Reading this book is making me nostalgic for this Harry. When Harry gets older and becomes a teenager he gets angsty and annoying and isn't nearly so funny anymore. But prepubescent Harry is cheeky and funny and manages to look on the bright side. I like this Harry. For example:

There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.

"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared ask a question.

"Your new school uniform," she said.

Harry looked into the bowl again.

"Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."

*High five*

Moving on, the plot thickens when the mail comes. After narrowly avoiding a thwack from the Smelting Stick, harry checks the mail and discovers A LETTER for himself.

I remember being 11 and being excited to get mail, even if it was just one of those little cards that said "It's Your Birthday April! Present this card at Bob Evans for a Free Meal!"

I feel so bad for Harry though, not knowing about Hogwarts.I'd be jumping out of my skin if I got my Hogwarts letter. Still, I think Harry could've handled the situation better. Instead of taking the letter into the kitchen where everyone was, why not just casually slip it into your cupboard on your way there so no one would know about it. I mean, you know your family is crazy and hates you and makes you sleep under the stairs, why chance it?

But, he didn't. Uncle Vernon took the letter and burned it. Harry = Sad Panda.

While he sulks in his cupboard, Uncle Vernon visits him and actually does something nice for Harry--He gives him Dudley's spare bedroom to sleep in. Goodbye Cupboard under the stairs, hello proper standing room. But Harry is sad because he knows, just like I knew, that he should've opened the letter before he went into the kitchen so he'd have it. Sleeping in a cupboard would've been worth having that letter. Harry can feel it.

And then, like magic, a new letter arrives. Instead of being addressed to the cupboard under the stair, it's to the smallest bedroom.

Apparently, this is when shit gets beef.

Thursday, Harry sneaks downstairs where Uncle Vernon is sleeping in front of the mailbox. Friday 12 letter's arrive. On Saturday 24 letters arrive in egg cartons.

Then Sunday arrives and, really, one of my favorite things ever in the whole series happens: The letters through the chimney attack. This drives Uncle Vernon so mad that they actually leave. But does that stop the letters? Heck no because you know what I already know, that Dumbledore is awesome. And while I've tried to figure out just how so many letters could've come through that chimney at once because there's no way that owls could do it, I just chalk it up to magic. There's no other way.

So, they go to a hotel where the letters find them and then Vernon gets desperate. A boat. In the middle of the ocean. In the middle of the storm on the eve of Harry's 11th birthday and drags them out to a hut on a rock where they stay the night.

Harry counts down the minutes to his birthday and at the very stroke of midnight there comes a banging sound on the door of the crappy little hut in the middle of the ocean. But who's at the door?

Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

HP Book One: Chapter 2

Greetings!

Chapter Title: The Vanishing Glass
What I Would Call: 101 Ways to Get Arrested For Child Abuse or Harry Potter's Best Day Ever


The story continues 10 years later on the 11th birthday of Dudley Dursley.

As soon as Harry says he sleeps under the stairs in a cupboard I shake my head in pity. I've often wondered about HOW this was okay. I mean, where I come from, it's pretty illegal to make kids sleep in places like that. I mean, child services would be all over that.

But, alas, no one calls child services for Harry. Instead he sleeps under the cupboard with spiders and has to  out run his fat, spoiled cousin from beating on him all of the time. Poor Harry.

However, despite the fact that his life sucks, I immediately like Harry (this changes when we get to book five and we get "I fucking Hate My Life and Everyone In It" Harry). He's quite funny and he thinks things in his head that amuse him that he doesn't say out loud which is something I do ALL the time. Saying Dudley looked like a pig in a wig was funny. Did he say this outloud? No. He would get drop kicked in the face. But inside his head it's all fair game. He can think horrible, awful things about people and no one will know it.

Which, I suppose, is the point.

Anyway, it's Dudley's birthday and Dudley is pissed that he's only got 36--sorry--37 presents. Harry scarfs down his bacon in case his cousin flips out and knocks the table over. Good thinking, Harry. ALWAYS save the bacon.

Enter Mrs. Figg, the ultimate crazy cat lady--sort of. Apparently she's broken her leg and can't watch him while the Dursley's go out to have a night on the town.

But if no one will watch Harry it means he finally gets to go out in public like a normal child, of course not before they suggest leaving him in the car first, but they can't do that because the car is new. Never mind the fact that if you leave an 11-yer-old child in a car by himself for hours in the middle of the day he could suffocate and probably die since he wouldn't be able to get out the car because you'd probably cut his skinny little wrists off if he even thought about touching the handle.

Anyway, Dudley's buddy Piers (another stupid name) shows up and they go off to the zoo. On the way, after promising Uncle Vernon no funny business he reminisces over all the funny business he'd been involved in that wasn't his fault. Like the day Aunt Petunia cut off all his hair and it grew back before morning. Or the time he didn't want to wear a sweater and it shrunk down so small it couldn't fit him.  Or the time he jumped onto the roof of his school.

Harry also says that Uncle Vernon loves to bitch, mostly about Harry, but on the freeway he says today he decided to be pissy about motorcycles. Then Harry behaves like any normal 10-year-old and says he had a dream about a motorcycle and it was flying. He is immediately scolded by Uncle Vernon because motorcycles don't fly.

*Mentally kicks Uncle Vernon in the face while demanding he grow an imagination*

When they arrive at the hospital, we see that the Dursleys, in their own sick way, do kind of care for Harry. They don't leave him in the car so that the newness of it will be safe from his 10-year-old hands and then, sadly, Harry has the best day of his life.

When they buy Dudley and Piers awesome ice cream they buy Harry and cheap little Popsicle which excites him more than it should excite any child and my soul dies a bit inside. When they go to the foodcourt for lunch, Dudley is dissatisfied with the smallness of his desert so Harry gets to eat it so Dudley can have a bigger one. My soul dies even more.

I mean, I love a kid who really appreciates the simple things in life but it really disgusts me that the only reason this is the best day ever for Harry is because the rest of his life has been crappy.

When they get to the reptile house and come across the infamous boa, it's sleeping and Dudley and Piers can't be bothered with it. Harry apologizes to the snake for their idiocy. And then it seems to respond to him. They converse for a moment.

Now, it says a lot about me that I didn't find anything about this exchange magical when I was nine. You see, I often found myself conversing with animals and inanimate objects as child, whether they responded or not. Sometimes, especially if your circumstances were crappy and you were unhappy, when you can just talk and someone/something just listens without saying a word, you feel better.

Dudley and Piers see that the snake is moving and are thrilled. They go over to snake and began acting like idiots again and then POOF the glass vanishes and the snake is out on the ground. After saying goodbye to his best friend, Harry, the snake sets off for his home country.

While this OBVIOUSLY had nothing to do with Harry *cough* *cough*, Uncle Vernon punishes him anyway taking away Harry's right of having three square meals a day and locking him under the stairs again.

That's right, Uncle Vernon, you tell him who's boss. Eating is a privilege. Daylight is a privilege. Besides, a little childhood trauma builds character.