Anxiety Help, Please?

I am preparing for the future.

I'm about to start work at my first full-time job. I'm getting ready to go back to school full-time again. I'm no longer living with anyone's parents. Things are starting to look up.

Being an adult isn't easy by any means. These past few months have been difficult with me looking for a job and there only being one income coming in. I don't get to do much but sit inside and read or watch Netflix all day because I don't have money to go out and party like most 21-year-olds (not that I'm much of a party girl).

I don't mind it very much because at least I'm home doing nothing on my own terms. I'm enjoying the freedom of being able to walk around my apartment in my underwear (which is really the best kind of freedom) and I do things without having to run it by person who pays the bills because now that's me.

Freedom is good. Things aren't perfect, but they never are and I'm learning to deal with that.

But now fear is starting to set in.

I'm starting a new full-time job with benefits and where I don't have to talk to very many people and I'm really looking forward to it (because it will be much better than my shitty job at Target). And a week after that I'll be starting the new school semester, and as long as it goes smoothly, I'll only have one semester left before I finally transfer to a four university to do the final four semesters of my college education.

And I'm excited about all of those things, but I'm also horrified. I'm still sweeping up the mess I made from the spring semester which started out so horribly that I couldn't even finish it because the stress of my living situation, having no job, and having to take an hour long bus ride in the cold, rain or snow every day was killing me.

I managed to get horribly ill the first week of classes and missed everything. I ended up dropping math right off the bat because I couldn't catch up at all. I tried my hardest to salvage biology, but I couldn't catch. My archaeology professor kept disappearing and so I dropped it (and retook it in the summer and passed with a B). My British Lit professor is currently helping me get a late-withdrawal from her class. I'm registered to take my math class again for the third time and hopefully nothing goes awry.

Back when I got sick in January, I was informed that I have a stomach disorder (a really common, non-life threatening thing) which was the root of all my problems which I'm still learning to deal with. I don't have to change my diet super dramatically, but I just have to be more mindful of how much I eat of certain foods. If not, I get super bad stomachaches and other things happen and it makes my life difficult. This was part of the reason I kept missing school after the initial sickness because I was getting a stomachache whenever I ate or drank anything and it's really freaking horrible and makes me not want to eat which isn't really an option for me because I'm so small that not getting enough calories every day might actually kill me.

But, the condition can (and does) get worse when I'm stressed. And now with me getting ready to tackle a full-time job and a full-time course load, I'm just terrified that I am, once again, taking on too much. I need to have a job so I can continue living on my own, but I also need school because it's important to me. Right now, I'm still a dreamer (an English major) so I want to write books. I take time to write every single day, even if it's just a few words here or there, and I know you don't necessarily need a degree to do that, but even if I hate school with a white hot passion at times, when I'm actually learning about things that I like (like religion and history and, holy crap, English) I'm excited and happy about it. But all of these core classes that I have to take are bringing me down and I hate it because I'm never going to need to know what the endoplasmic reticulum (is that even spelled correctly?) does and I feel like it's a waste of time.

But I digress from that. To make a long story short: school is my number one priority in life right now. I know I hate it and I know right now I feel like it's not doing anything but stressing me out and I know that college isn't for everyone, but if I could just find a way to manage my time and energy I could totally get through this without getting stressed out I might be fine. But I feel like it's impossible.

Over the past two years or so my anxiety level has shot through the roof. If only have one panic attack during the month, I usually considering myself lucky, because at time they're more frequent than that. Small amounts of stress make me shut down. Like, if I can't decide to study for a class or do dishes, I'll lay on my couch and hide and nothing will get done. It's horrible. And it's gotten to be that I'm not just anxious about every day things, I'm terrified of things I shouldn't be terrified about.

I constantly go to check my kitchen to make sure that nothing is on fire even if I haven't been cooking. The slightest vibration in my floor makes me think that the floor will cave in underneath my feet and I'll go plummeting to my death in the apartment below. I always keep my front door in view in because I'm afraid someone is going to come through it and attack me or murder me. Sometimes even riding in the car is a terrifying experience for me (which why I can't drive yet) because I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into an accident and die.

I've turned into this really super paranoid person and it's causing me to not be able to function like a normal human being. It's stopping me from moving forward with my life and it's making me physically sick in more ways than one. I feel like I'm crazy.

So, I've decided that I need help. I don't know from who, but I know I need to talk to someone who's going to help me overcome this. I've tried talking to the psychologists at my school, but mostly they just have me come in and talk at them about my problems and just vent. Venting is good and I'll feel better afterward, but if I'm just venting at a psychologist I'm not really getting anywhere because they're not doing anything to help me.

So, if anyone out there has any resources for someone who's really struggling with anxiety and paranoia, I would really appreciate it because at the moment, I feel like I'm insane.

Fare thee well,
April x

Newsflash: Skinny Girls Also Have Problems and Insecurities

Greetings!

So I recently stumbled upon THIS blog here on Tumblr and, honest to goodness, it brought me to tears because someone lot's of people out there actually get it.

Being skinny is not all that it's cracked up to be. It just is not.

I know I sound like a broken record saying that, but it needs to be said. We live in a society where no one, I repeat NO ONE is safe from feeling insecure about their bodies.

I don't care that society is telling us that we all have to skinny to be perfect and beautiful, skinny girls do get shit too. I know because I have been a skinny girl my entire life and have gotten nothing but crap and annoyance from it.

Let's take for instance this double standard that is imposed upon me all of the time:

I am not very comfortable in my own skin so I usually cover up as much of it as I possibly can. This isn't a problem in the winter when people think my striped sweaters are cute, but come summer time, I constantly have to hear people say "why are you wearing those jeans?" or "why are you wearing that one piece; why don't you show off your body?"

I don't like being ogled by strangers is the answer to all of those above questions, but in order to stop the nagging and complaining I will dutifully put on a tank and shorts or break out my bikini and from the same people that bitched and moaned at me for covering up my body I will hear this in various incarnations: "You skinny bitch."

Not that I wake up every morning trying to make other people happy but is there no pleasing you? If I wear too many clothes, you complain. If I wear fewer clothes like you asked you complain. What do you want from me? And the answer is obvious. You don't want the way that I wear my clothes to be different, you want me to be different.


But do you know what else I want? I want you to be different too.

I want you to stop telling me to "eat a cheeseburger." I want you to to stop telling me that I'm skinny and have nothing to complain about. I want you to stop telling me that I need to gain weight. I want you to stop asking me if I ever eat. I want you to you stop saying "I wish I had your body." I want you to stop asking me "how I stay so thin." I want you to stop asking me how much I weigh. Stop telling me I should eat more. Stop saying that I look anorexic. Don't tell me that a gentle breeze could blow me away, or even worse, grabbing me when there's a breeze and saying "I didn't want you to fly away." Don't say "I wish I could give you some of my fat." Don't comment on what I eat or question if I eat at all. Don't say that "real women" are curvy, because there is nary a curve to be found on my body, but damn it, I know I'm a real woman. Stop telling me that I'm skinny when I'm obviously quite aware of it already.

Why is it okay to come down on skinny girls like we don't have feelings, but if you're overweight it is downright offensive to point it out?

Oh, right: It's not okay for anyone to come down on anyone else for the way that they look (or for any other reason, but that's another blog).

There are no two people on this planet who are alike. We are built differently because of genetics and diet and because of other things I'm sure, and yes, our society is currently in favor of the skinny girl just like some people can't help being overweight, some people can't help being thin either.


I don't wake up every day doing cartwheels thankful that I'm the size that I am. Not even a little bit. Like it or not, skinny girls have problems too. Here are just a few of mine:

I'd like to be able to get sick without worrying that I'm going to drop under 100 pounds. I'd like to go out to dinner one day and be able to finish a whole plate of food. I'd like to be able to drink a normal cup of coffee without getting the shakes. I'd like to be able to enjoy 60 degree weather instead of feeling like I'm going to freeze to death. I want to be able to accidentally bump into things without having to check for bruises afterward. I want to sit on a wooden chair without being able to feel every single bone in my buttocks. I want to be able to wear pants without the aid of a belt. I want to be able to find belts for people my size. I want to be able to finds clothes that make me feel good--not like I'm swimming in fabric or that are too tight. I want to be able to donate blood. I want to feel safe riding a roller coaster. I want to wear my little black dress without feeling two-dimensional. I don't want to feel fragile anymore. I want to be able to put on my bikini and be seen as "confident" like all the other girls instead of being seen as "conceited."

I could go on and on and on about why I wish I weren't skinny and why I wish I was curvy or at least weighed more, but I will spare you.

The point I am trying to make (which you will find in bold above, but I will reiterate here again because it needs to be repeated) is that everyone has feelings. Everyone has insecurities. We are all different. And because we are all different all of our insecurities will probably be different, but since we all have feelings they can be hurt. It does not matter whether someone is skinny, overweight, or somewhere in the middle don't call them on it. Don't call someone "fatty," don't tell someone to "eat a cheeseburger." Don't make jokes at the expense of other people and don't be fooled into thinking that just because someone meets the ideal of what you think would make you happy and carefree that they haven't got a care in the world.

And seriously, stop telling me to eat a cheeseburger because there is nothing that people can say about my size that will enrage me more. It stirs up feeling of wanting to inflict physical violence onto the person that says it to me.

So just don't do it.

Fare thee well,
April x

The First Time a Guy Ever Openly Admitted to Liking Me and Why He Regretted It Later

I'm Facebook friends with a boy from high school. He was the first guy who ever decided that he liked me and it turned out that this was probably a bad idea for him.

He was a nice guy. He played piano or some instrument I can't remember (I know this because I met him in band/choir rehearsals). I thought that was cool. He was always very nice to me and he paid me a lot of attention. Also he was a year older than me which I thought was cool and when you're a freshman in high school boys that are nice to you and pay attention to you earn points (especially if middle school sucked--and it did).

This boy used to see me at school every day and compliment me on how pretty I was, and he liked to read and write which earned A LOT of points with me because, hello, how often do you find a boy who's literate in this day and age? He had this notebook he carried around with him and one day during breakfast he sat with me and read all of this poetry that he'd written about me. It was incredibly sweet.

And despite all of this I just was not interested in him that way. It might sound like I was insane as a 14-year-old who was passing up a perfectly good, perfectly nice boy who wrote me poetry, but I had a few very good reasons for deciding to keep things between us platonic:

Number One: He told me this story about how the year before, he'd punched the glass on the back door of the gym and shattered it completely and the school had to replace the entire door and he got suspended and detention forever. And he was always in detention at that time. I'm not really into troublemakers. I never understood the fascination with bad boys.

Number Two: Despite being well versed in the English language he still relied pretty heavily on slang and ebonics and the phrase "y'know what I'm sayin'?" which drove me up the wall.

Number Three: The cherry on top of all of this was when I asked him what he wanted to do after high school he told me he wanted to be a rapper. And thus my interest was gone completely. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be a young adult novelist so I don't have any room to tell anyone that their career goal is unachievable (that would've been a huge pot-kettle situation). If he wanted to be a rapper, then by all means he could be a rapper if he was any good--but he was not any good at being a rapper. At all.

Moving on, after I decided to friend-zone this boy, we were at a school function one weekend where we were doing a talent show and I was singing in the choir and we (that being the choir and the three members of band) were standing in front of the stage having some kind of conversation that inevitably led to the subject of boy/girl relationships, as they so often do in high school.

This boy who liked me was incredibly bold, a quality I admired up until this point. That's when, for whatever reason, he decided to admit that he liked me in front of everyone right there.

Social situations are not my thing. Not at all. I am the most quiet, shy, painfully awkward, yet sweet and adorable person you will ever meet. There was a consensus among my classmates in high school about this factoid. Anyway, social situations are bad enough, but putting me on the spot in front of all of my friends was just too much.

And I froze. I didn't say anything. I just looked down at my feet and admired the ugly floor of my gym. I didn't want to say "sorry, I don't like you" in front of everyone, and I didn't want say anything that would give the wrong impression like "oh, that's sweet" or something. I just wanted to dissolve into the floor or turn invisible or disapparte somewhere.

After I successfully showed that I a) not interested and b) too humiliated to even speak by way of my silence, the boy rambled on about how rejected and embarrassed he was. And it was embarrassing for him because everyone proceeded to give him crap about it for the next week or so.

He had been rejected in what seemed to be cold blood by the nice quiet little freshman girl (I wasn't known as Harry Potter Girl until sophomore year). And I felt really bad about it. I honestly did.

But the social anxiety part of my brain was like "You deserve it bitch! Put me on the spot again! I dare you motherfucker!"

After that we didn't hang out anymore and we didn't speak much. He got expelled from school the next year and has since continued his dream of becoming a rapper. He released a mix tape (that he heavily promotes on Facebook) and sometimes posts the lyrics to his songs as his status (which saddens me because he used to have such a way with words and now he's been reduced to nothing more than your run-of-the-mill punchline "Fuck bitches, get money" rappers).

I don't know what life would've been like if I had decided to give him a chance, but looking at how his relationship with his girlfriend down the line was like, I'm quite certain I dodged a bullet. I wasn't envious of her at all. Also, there were certain expectations that I would've had to have met in that relationship and let's just say I would have eaten glass before I decided to put out in high school.

I'm surprised that I had my shit together as a high school student, because I feel like I don't now, but hopefully I'll look back on my days as a 20-year-old and think to myself, "Yeah, I was doing all right."

Fare thee well,
April

Song of the Day: Fifteen by Taylor Swift

It's Nice to be Important, But It's More Important to be Nice

Greetings!

I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't know where it developed from considering that the majority of my family seems to be able to thrive in social situations. But me, even in the most comfortable of places like in my house with my family, when I'm with friends that I've known forever, etc., I clam up. I always think of these horrifying scenarios that involve me either putting my foot in my mouth or insulting someone so horribly that they hate me forever.

I think a lot of things in my head, but I don't say them out loud because I know that people don't always interpret things the way that I mean them. In my head I'm incredibly witty, but it happens all to often that people take wit and just assume you're being a jerk and insulting them even if you mean it as a joke.

Basically, I have a filter, because I care about people, I enjoy being considerate, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings unintentionally or otherwise.

Unfortunately, the majority of people on the planet Earth (or at least the people within a 100 mile radius of my house) don't seem to care as much as I do.

I think people just say things so that they can speak. Maybe they like attention, maybe they don't like silence, maybe they're in love with the sound of their own voice. Whatever the case, I think it's important that people develop a filter and actually consider the people around them and what is going to be coming out of their mouth before they actually say it.

Now I know, "people are too thinned skinned," blah, blah, blah.

I know on some level we have to get over being politically correct and coddling people. Sometimes it is appropriate to tell it like it is and keep it real.

The problem is that 99% of people think it's okay to keep it real 100% of the time and that is how people end up getting their feelings hurt, feeling alienated, or calling their best friend and telling them how much of an asshole you are behind your back.

There has to be some level of respect for other people. And I know, respect is earned, not given, which is totally fair, but people aren't going to be respectful of you if you think it's okay to just serve up character flaws in daily conversation at all times. And if they're disrespectful to you, you're just going to be disrespectful back and someone has to eventually put on their big boy pants and realize that they're just continuing a vicious cycle.

I think I'm a good judge of character and I don't think I purposefully get involved with people who are gossip mongers and drama queens and all that. But sometimes, you end up in situations, whether it be because of work or school or whatever, where these kinds of people have to make long term visits into your life and you have to deal.

Most people think it would be easy to just walk up to these people and say to them "You're all bitches who need to get lives," however, that kind of approach to those kinds of people is like a declaration of war. So, for the entirety of their stay in your life they are going to come after you. You will be the focus of their gossip. You will  be the focus of their evil glares. You will receive every backhanded compliment they can think of. And you will do the same to them.

Personally, when confronted with unfavorable people like the aforementioned stereotypes, I smile and nod and just basically ignore them. I'm there, but I'm not really participating. It's like being an extra on Star Trek. Picard is having a serious discussion with Geordi and Wesley about the hull, and I'm the red shirt in the background who presses random buttons to fill the empty space--I am there, but I'm not really there. I'm there because I have to be there. I don't walk up to Picard and say "Yo! This is how I think we should stop the Borg!" because that just gives them an invitation to make me into the minor character in the episode who was really smart but if they'd kept their mouth closed they wouldn't have been the first to be assimilated into the hive.

But I digress.

The moral of the story is: Just because you can say something doesn't mean you should.

Free speech is great, but people should learn to censor themselves.

If someone gets a hair cut and they're like "It's the best haircut I ever got! It makes me feel alive!" and you don't like it and you say "I hate it. It's hideous. They've ruined you." you are basically an evil person. Don't rain on people's parades, Negative Nancy. If someone feels good and thinks they could take on an entire army because their haircut is so boss all it takes is one negative comment to completely ruin someone's day. Don't be that guy. If they don't ask for you opinion don't give it, and if they do say "It's not really my style but I'm glad you're enjoying it." They will know what you mean and you won't be perceived as a dream killer.

Finally, and this is probably the biggest problem when it comes to thinking before you speak and using a mental filter, just stop with all the talking behind people's backs.

If someone bothers you and everything about their existence makes your skin crawl and you want to hit them in the face and every time they speak you just hear nails on a chalk board, smile and nod because you're not going to confront them about how much you hate them. So when they leave the room, just poof them out of your head. Do something you enjoy, because talking shit about them isn't going to make you feel better. It's going to make you feel worse for keeping something you detest on your mind for so long. Read a book. Watch TV. Get a hobby. Cure cancer. There are more productive things you can do than dwell on a person you find nauseating.

Remember: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.

If you want to discuss people, be my guest.

I promise it won't kill you to bite your tongue and not say anything every once in a while. It hasn't killed me yet.

Fare thee well,
April x

Currently Reading: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (pg. 64 because I'm a slacker)
Song of the Day: You're the Best by Joe Esposito

Welcome to 2012

Greetings!

It's a new year. 2012. Thank goodness.

2011 had to be one of the worst years I've ever lived through, but damn it I lived through it.

I worked at Target, had four panic attacks, struggled through two remedial math courses, was in school all summer, had no money, had to move back home with my grandmother, drove a rapist van that had no shocks, drove a Jeep that got 8 miles to the gallon, failed NaNoWriMo for the second year in a row, watched Harry Potter come to an end, and yet somehow I have managed to come out on the other side into a new year relatively unscathed.

2011 wasn't all bad though. In the beginning I was living on my own. I got to go visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida, I spent my birthday having a sleepover with some awesome Wizard Rockers, I actually passed my math classes, I fell in love with 16th century British poetry, and I actually finished writing a book.

Mostly, I can just be thankful that I'm alive, that I'm healthy, and that I have friends and family that are supportive of me and only mildly psychotic.

I resolve to do nothing this year but continue doing what I did last year which was read more, write more, and love more, because somehow practicing all three of these things has managed to help vastly improve the quality of my life.

Writing helps me to get my words out because I don't know how to do it any other way. Reading helps me with writing, but it also teaches me, and spending time with fictional characters is sometimes a lot better than spending it with actual people. And loving more, well, it goes without saying that the world can always use a bit more love, and when I do good I feel good.

This year, I'm going to continue my love/hate relationship with college. I'm going to look into working part-time again (preferably at a place with a desk and a cubicle where I can just do filing and not interact people very often), and I'm going to try to keep looking on the bright side of life, even when things look completely miserable because otherwise I'll go insane.

At this very moment, I'm simply enjoying some time to myself to be away from school and to relax by writing and reading. I also do a fair amount of watching Netflix and sleeping because soon I'll be too bogged down in school to actually enjoy my life properly--stupid math and science courses.

This semester I'll be taking Intro to College Math (after two semesters of algebra which didn't count toward my degree, and neither will this class), Biology: The Cell & DNA with a Lab, Archaeology, and British Literature II. I was also going to be taking a religion course, but it got cancelled so now I'm only taking two classes that I'm even slightly excited about.

In the mean time, I'm not going to think about it, and just read my book while I sip some tea because that's the way life is supposed to go.

Fare thee well,
April x

Currently Reading: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (pg. 58)
Song of the Day: It's All Coming Back to me Now by Celine Dion