Anxiety Help, Please?

I am preparing for the future.

I'm about to start work at my first full-time job. I'm getting ready to go back to school full-time again. I'm no longer living with anyone's parents. Things are starting to look up.

Being an adult isn't easy by any means. These past few months have been difficult with me looking for a job and there only being one income coming in. I don't get to do much but sit inside and read or watch Netflix all day because I don't have money to go out and party like most 21-year-olds (not that I'm much of a party girl).

I don't mind it very much because at least I'm home doing nothing on my own terms. I'm enjoying the freedom of being able to walk around my apartment in my underwear (which is really the best kind of freedom) and I do things without having to run it by person who pays the bills because now that's me.

Freedom is good. Things aren't perfect, but they never are and I'm learning to deal with that.

But now fear is starting to set in.

I'm starting a new full-time job with benefits and where I don't have to talk to very many people and I'm really looking forward to it (because it will be much better than my shitty job at Target). And a week after that I'll be starting the new school semester, and as long as it goes smoothly, I'll only have one semester left before I finally transfer to a four university to do the final four semesters of my college education.

And I'm excited about all of those things, but I'm also horrified. I'm still sweeping up the mess I made from the spring semester which started out so horribly that I couldn't even finish it because the stress of my living situation, having no job, and having to take an hour long bus ride in the cold, rain or snow every day was killing me.

I managed to get horribly ill the first week of classes and missed everything. I ended up dropping math right off the bat because I couldn't catch up at all. I tried my hardest to salvage biology, but I couldn't catch. My archaeology professor kept disappearing and so I dropped it (and retook it in the summer and passed with a B). My British Lit professor is currently helping me get a late-withdrawal from her class. I'm registered to take my math class again for the third time and hopefully nothing goes awry.

Back when I got sick in January, I was informed that I have a stomach disorder (a really common, non-life threatening thing) which was the root of all my problems which I'm still learning to deal with. I don't have to change my diet super dramatically, but I just have to be more mindful of how much I eat of certain foods. If not, I get super bad stomachaches and other things happen and it makes my life difficult. This was part of the reason I kept missing school after the initial sickness because I was getting a stomachache whenever I ate or drank anything and it's really freaking horrible and makes me not want to eat which isn't really an option for me because I'm so small that not getting enough calories every day might actually kill me.

But, the condition can (and does) get worse when I'm stressed. And now with me getting ready to tackle a full-time job and a full-time course load, I'm just terrified that I am, once again, taking on too much. I need to have a job so I can continue living on my own, but I also need school because it's important to me. Right now, I'm still a dreamer (an English major) so I want to write books. I take time to write every single day, even if it's just a few words here or there, and I know you don't necessarily need a degree to do that, but even if I hate school with a white hot passion at times, when I'm actually learning about things that I like (like religion and history and, holy crap, English) I'm excited and happy about it. But all of these core classes that I have to take are bringing me down and I hate it because I'm never going to need to know what the endoplasmic reticulum (is that even spelled correctly?) does and I feel like it's a waste of time.

But I digress from that. To make a long story short: school is my number one priority in life right now. I know I hate it and I know right now I feel like it's not doing anything but stressing me out and I know that college isn't for everyone, but if I could just find a way to manage my time and energy I could totally get through this without getting stressed out I might be fine. But I feel like it's impossible.

Over the past two years or so my anxiety level has shot through the roof. If only have one panic attack during the month, I usually considering myself lucky, because at time they're more frequent than that. Small amounts of stress make me shut down. Like, if I can't decide to study for a class or do dishes, I'll lay on my couch and hide and nothing will get done. It's horrible. And it's gotten to be that I'm not just anxious about every day things, I'm terrified of things I shouldn't be terrified about.

I constantly go to check my kitchen to make sure that nothing is on fire even if I haven't been cooking. The slightest vibration in my floor makes me think that the floor will cave in underneath my feet and I'll go plummeting to my death in the apartment below. I always keep my front door in view in because I'm afraid someone is going to come through it and attack me or murder me. Sometimes even riding in the car is a terrifying experience for me (which why I can't drive yet) because I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into an accident and die.

I've turned into this really super paranoid person and it's causing me to not be able to function like a normal human being. It's stopping me from moving forward with my life and it's making me physically sick in more ways than one. I feel like I'm crazy.

So, I've decided that I need help. I don't know from who, but I know I need to talk to someone who's going to help me overcome this. I've tried talking to the psychologists at my school, but mostly they just have me come in and talk at them about my problems and just vent. Venting is good and I'll feel better afterward, but if I'm just venting at a psychologist I'm not really getting anywhere because they're not doing anything to help me.

So, if anyone out there has any resources for someone who's really struggling with anxiety and paranoia, I would really appreciate it because at the moment, I feel like I'm insane.

Fare thee well,
April x

Newsflash: Skinny Girls Also Have Problems and Insecurities

Greetings!

So I recently stumbled upon THIS blog here on Tumblr and, honest to goodness, it brought me to tears because someone lot's of people out there actually get it.

Being skinny is not all that it's cracked up to be. It just is not.

I know I sound like a broken record saying that, but it needs to be said. We live in a society where no one, I repeat NO ONE is safe from feeling insecure about their bodies.

I don't care that society is telling us that we all have to skinny to be perfect and beautiful, skinny girls do get shit too. I know because I have been a skinny girl my entire life and have gotten nothing but crap and annoyance from it.

Let's take for instance this double standard that is imposed upon me all of the time:

I am not very comfortable in my own skin so I usually cover up as much of it as I possibly can. This isn't a problem in the winter when people think my striped sweaters are cute, but come summer time, I constantly have to hear people say "why are you wearing those jeans?" or "why are you wearing that one piece; why don't you show off your body?"

I don't like being ogled by strangers is the answer to all of those above questions, but in order to stop the nagging and complaining I will dutifully put on a tank and shorts or break out my bikini and from the same people that bitched and moaned at me for covering up my body I will hear this in various incarnations: "You skinny bitch."

Not that I wake up every morning trying to make other people happy but is there no pleasing you? If I wear too many clothes, you complain. If I wear fewer clothes like you asked you complain. What do you want from me? And the answer is obvious. You don't want the way that I wear my clothes to be different, you want me to be different.


But do you know what else I want? I want you to be different too.

I want you to stop telling me to "eat a cheeseburger." I want you to to stop telling me that I'm skinny and have nothing to complain about. I want you to stop telling me that I need to gain weight. I want you to stop asking me if I ever eat. I want you to you stop saying "I wish I had your body." I want you to stop asking me "how I stay so thin." I want you to stop asking me how much I weigh. Stop telling me I should eat more. Stop saying that I look anorexic. Don't tell me that a gentle breeze could blow me away, or even worse, grabbing me when there's a breeze and saying "I didn't want you to fly away." Don't say "I wish I could give you some of my fat." Don't comment on what I eat or question if I eat at all. Don't say that "real women" are curvy, because there is nary a curve to be found on my body, but damn it, I know I'm a real woman. Stop telling me that I'm skinny when I'm obviously quite aware of it already.

Why is it okay to come down on skinny girls like we don't have feelings, but if you're overweight it is downright offensive to point it out?

Oh, right: It's not okay for anyone to come down on anyone else for the way that they look (or for any other reason, but that's another blog).

There are no two people on this planet who are alike. We are built differently because of genetics and diet and because of other things I'm sure, and yes, our society is currently in favor of the skinny girl just like some people can't help being overweight, some people can't help being thin either.


I don't wake up every day doing cartwheels thankful that I'm the size that I am. Not even a little bit. Like it or not, skinny girls have problems too. Here are just a few of mine:

I'd like to be able to get sick without worrying that I'm going to drop under 100 pounds. I'd like to go out to dinner one day and be able to finish a whole plate of food. I'd like to be able to drink a normal cup of coffee without getting the shakes. I'd like to be able to enjoy 60 degree weather instead of feeling like I'm going to freeze to death. I want to be able to accidentally bump into things without having to check for bruises afterward. I want to sit on a wooden chair without being able to feel every single bone in my buttocks. I want to be able to wear pants without the aid of a belt. I want to be able to find belts for people my size. I want to be able to finds clothes that make me feel good--not like I'm swimming in fabric or that are too tight. I want to be able to donate blood. I want to feel safe riding a roller coaster. I want to wear my little black dress without feeling two-dimensional. I don't want to feel fragile anymore. I want to be able to put on my bikini and be seen as "confident" like all the other girls instead of being seen as "conceited."

I could go on and on and on about why I wish I weren't skinny and why I wish I was curvy or at least weighed more, but I will spare you.

The point I am trying to make (which you will find in bold above, but I will reiterate here again because it needs to be repeated) is that everyone has feelings. Everyone has insecurities. We are all different. And because we are all different all of our insecurities will probably be different, but since we all have feelings they can be hurt. It does not matter whether someone is skinny, overweight, or somewhere in the middle don't call them on it. Don't call someone "fatty," don't tell someone to "eat a cheeseburger." Don't make jokes at the expense of other people and don't be fooled into thinking that just because someone meets the ideal of what you think would make you happy and carefree that they haven't got a care in the world.

And seriously, stop telling me to eat a cheeseburger because there is nothing that people can say about my size that will enrage me more. It stirs up feeling of wanting to inflict physical violence onto the person that says it to me.

So just don't do it.

Fare thee well,
April x

The First Time a Guy Ever Openly Admitted to Liking Me and Why He Regretted It Later

I'm Facebook friends with a boy from high school. He was the first guy who ever decided that he liked me and it turned out that this was probably a bad idea for him.

He was a nice guy. He played piano or some instrument I can't remember (I know this because I met him in band/choir rehearsals). I thought that was cool. He was always very nice to me and he paid me a lot of attention. Also he was a year older than me which I thought was cool and when you're a freshman in high school boys that are nice to you and pay attention to you earn points (especially if middle school sucked--and it did).

This boy used to see me at school every day and compliment me on how pretty I was, and he liked to read and write which earned A LOT of points with me because, hello, how often do you find a boy who's literate in this day and age? He had this notebook he carried around with him and one day during breakfast he sat with me and read all of this poetry that he'd written about me. It was incredibly sweet.

And despite all of this I just was not interested in him that way. It might sound like I was insane as a 14-year-old who was passing up a perfectly good, perfectly nice boy who wrote me poetry, but I had a few very good reasons for deciding to keep things between us platonic:

Number One: He told me this story about how the year before, he'd punched the glass on the back door of the gym and shattered it completely and the school had to replace the entire door and he got suspended and detention forever. And he was always in detention at that time. I'm not really into troublemakers. I never understood the fascination with bad boys.

Number Two: Despite being well versed in the English language he still relied pretty heavily on slang and ebonics and the phrase "y'know what I'm sayin'?" which drove me up the wall.

Number Three: The cherry on top of all of this was when I asked him what he wanted to do after high school he told me he wanted to be a rapper. And thus my interest was gone completely. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to be a young adult novelist so I don't have any room to tell anyone that their career goal is unachievable (that would've been a huge pot-kettle situation). If he wanted to be a rapper, then by all means he could be a rapper if he was any good--but he was not any good at being a rapper. At all.

Moving on, after I decided to friend-zone this boy, we were at a school function one weekend where we were doing a talent show and I was singing in the choir and we (that being the choir and the three members of band) were standing in front of the stage having some kind of conversation that inevitably led to the subject of boy/girl relationships, as they so often do in high school.

This boy who liked me was incredibly bold, a quality I admired up until this point. That's when, for whatever reason, he decided to admit that he liked me in front of everyone right there.

Social situations are not my thing. Not at all. I am the most quiet, shy, painfully awkward, yet sweet and adorable person you will ever meet. There was a consensus among my classmates in high school about this factoid. Anyway, social situations are bad enough, but putting me on the spot in front of all of my friends was just too much.

And I froze. I didn't say anything. I just looked down at my feet and admired the ugly floor of my gym. I didn't want to say "sorry, I don't like you" in front of everyone, and I didn't want say anything that would give the wrong impression like "oh, that's sweet" or something. I just wanted to dissolve into the floor or turn invisible or disapparte somewhere.

After I successfully showed that I a) not interested and b) too humiliated to even speak by way of my silence, the boy rambled on about how rejected and embarrassed he was. And it was embarrassing for him because everyone proceeded to give him crap about it for the next week or so.

He had been rejected in what seemed to be cold blood by the nice quiet little freshman girl (I wasn't known as Harry Potter Girl until sophomore year). And I felt really bad about it. I honestly did.

But the social anxiety part of my brain was like "You deserve it bitch! Put me on the spot again! I dare you motherfucker!"

After that we didn't hang out anymore and we didn't speak much. He got expelled from school the next year and has since continued his dream of becoming a rapper. He released a mix tape (that he heavily promotes on Facebook) and sometimes posts the lyrics to his songs as his status (which saddens me because he used to have such a way with words and now he's been reduced to nothing more than your run-of-the-mill punchline "Fuck bitches, get money" rappers).

I don't know what life would've been like if I had decided to give him a chance, but looking at how his relationship with his girlfriend down the line was like, I'm quite certain I dodged a bullet. I wasn't envious of her at all. Also, there were certain expectations that I would've had to have met in that relationship and let's just say I would have eaten glass before I decided to put out in high school.

I'm surprised that I had my shit together as a high school student, because I feel like I don't now, but hopefully I'll look back on my days as a 20-year-old and think to myself, "Yeah, I was doing all right."

Fare thee well,
April

Song of the Day: Fifteen by Taylor Swift

It's Nice to be Important, But It's More Important to be Nice

Greetings!

I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't know where it developed from considering that the majority of my family seems to be able to thrive in social situations. But me, even in the most comfortable of places like in my house with my family, when I'm with friends that I've known forever, etc., I clam up. I always think of these horrifying scenarios that involve me either putting my foot in my mouth or insulting someone so horribly that they hate me forever.

I think a lot of things in my head, but I don't say them out loud because I know that people don't always interpret things the way that I mean them. In my head I'm incredibly witty, but it happens all to often that people take wit and just assume you're being a jerk and insulting them even if you mean it as a joke.

Basically, I have a filter, because I care about people, I enjoy being considerate, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings unintentionally or otherwise.

Unfortunately, the majority of people on the planet Earth (or at least the people within a 100 mile radius of my house) don't seem to care as much as I do.

I think people just say things so that they can speak. Maybe they like attention, maybe they don't like silence, maybe they're in love with the sound of their own voice. Whatever the case, I think it's important that people develop a filter and actually consider the people around them and what is going to be coming out of their mouth before they actually say it.

Now I know, "people are too thinned skinned," blah, blah, blah.

I know on some level we have to get over being politically correct and coddling people. Sometimes it is appropriate to tell it like it is and keep it real.

The problem is that 99% of people think it's okay to keep it real 100% of the time and that is how people end up getting their feelings hurt, feeling alienated, or calling their best friend and telling them how much of an asshole you are behind your back.

There has to be some level of respect for other people. And I know, respect is earned, not given, which is totally fair, but people aren't going to be respectful of you if you think it's okay to just serve up character flaws in daily conversation at all times. And if they're disrespectful to you, you're just going to be disrespectful back and someone has to eventually put on their big boy pants and realize that they're just continuing a vicious cycle.

I think I'm a good judge of character and I don't think I purposefully get involved with people who are gossip mongers and drama queens and all that. But sometimes, you end up in situations, whether it be because of work or school or whatever, where these kinds of people have to make long term visits into your life and you have to deal.

Most people think it would be easy to just walk up to these people and say to them "You're all bitches who need to get lives," however, that kind of approach to those kinds of people is like a declaration of war. So, for the entirety of their stay in your life they are going to come after you. You will be the focus of their gossip. You will  be the focus of their evil glares. You will receive every backhanded compliment they can think of. And you will do the same to them.

Personally, when confronted with unfavorable people like the aforementioned stereotypes, I smile and nod and just basically ignore them. I'm there, but I'm not really participating. It's like being an extra on Star Trek. Picard is having a serious discussion with Geordi and Wesley about the hull, and I'm the red shirt in the background who presses random buttons to fill the empty space--I am there, but I'm not really there. I'm there because I have to be there. I don't walk up to Picard and say "Yo! This is how I think we should stop the Borg!" because that just gives them an invitation to make me into the minor character in the episode who was really smart but if they'd kept their mouth closed they wouldn't have been the first to be assimilated into the hive.

But I digress.

The moral of the story is: Just because you can say something doesn't mean you should.

Free speech is great, but people should learn to censor themselves.

If someone gets a hair cut and they're like "It's the best haircut I ever got! It makes me feel alive!" and you don't like it and you say "I hate it. It's hideous. They've ruined you." you are basically an evil person. Don't rain on people's parades, Negative Nancy. If someone feels good and thinks they could take on an entire army because their haircut is so boss all it takes is one negative comment to completely ruin someone's day. Don't be that guy. If they don't ask for you opinion don't give it, and if they do say "It's not really my style but I'm glad you're enjoying it." They will know what you mean and you won't be perceived as a dream killer.

Finally, and this is probably the biggest problem when it comes to thinking before you speak and using a mental filter, just stop with all the talking behind people's backs.

If someone bothers you and everything about their existence makes your skin crawl and you want to hit them in the face and every time they speak you just hear nails on a chalk board, smile and nod because you're not going to confront them about how much you hate them. So when they leave the room, just poof them out of your head. Do something you enjoy, because talking shit about them isn't going to make you feel better. It's going to make you feel worse for keeping something you detest on your mind for so long. Read a book. Watch TV. Get a hobby. Cure cancer. There are more productive things you can do than dwell on a person you find nauseating.

Remember: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.

If you want to discuss people, be my guest.

I promise it won't kill you to bite your tongue and not say anything every once in a while. It hasn't killed me yet.

Fare thee well,
April x

Currently Reading: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (pg. 64 because I'm a slacker)
Song of the Day: You're the Best by Joe Esposito

Welcome to 2012

Greetings!

It's a new year. 2012. Thank goodness.

2011 had to be one of the worst years I've ever lived through, but damn it I lived through it.

I worked at Target, had four panic attacks, struggled through two remedial math courses, was in school all summer, had no money, had to move back home with my grandmother, drove a rapist van that had no shocks, drove a Jeep that got 8 miles to the gallon, failed NaNoWriMo for the second year in a row, watched Harry Potter come to an end, and yet somehow I have managed to come out on the other side into a new year relatively unscathed.

2011 wasn't all bad though. In the beginning I was living on my own. I got to go visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida, I spent my birthday having a sleepover with some awesome Wizard Rockers, I actually passed my math classes, I fell in love with 16th century British poetry, and I actually finished writing a book.

Mostly, I can just be thankful that I'm alive, that I'm healthy, and that I have friends and family that are supportive of me and only mildly psychotic.

I resolve to do nothing this year but continue doing what I did last year which was read more, write more, and love more, because somehow practicing all three of these things has managed to help vastly improve the quality of my life.

Writing helps me to get my words out because I don't know how to do it any other way. Reading helps me with writing, but it also teaches me, and spending time with fictional characters is sometimes a lot better than spending it with actual people. And loving more, well, it goes without saying that the world can always use a bit more love, and when I do good I feel good.

This year, I'm going to continue my love/hate relationship with college. I'm going to look into working part-time again (preferably at a place with a desk and a cubicle where I can just do filing and not interact people very often), and I'm going to try to keep looking on the bright side of life, even when things look completely miserable because otherwise I'll go insane.

At this very moment, I'm simply enjoying some time to myself to be away from school and to relax by writing and reading. I also do a fair amount of watching Netflix and sleeping because soon I'll be too bogged down in school to actually enjoy my life properly--stupid math and science courses.

This semester I'll be taking Intro to College Math (after two semesters of algebra which didn't count toward my degree, and neither will this class), Biology: The Cell & DNA with a Lab, Archaeology, and British Literature II. I was also going to be taking a religion course, but it got cancelled so now I'm only taking two classes that I'm even slightly excited about.

In the mean time, I'm not going to think about it, and just read my book while I sip some tea because that's the way life is supposed to go.

Fare thee well,
April x

Currently Reading: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (pg. 58)
Song of the Day: It's All Coming Back to me Now by Celine Dion

Road Trip Wednesday: Beating Writer's Block

Greetings!

Writer's Block is my mortal enemy, but at the same time I bow to it.

I'll get to a scene where everything is going smoothly and suddenly, I'll hit a wall. Usually I sit there impatiently, trying to think of something--anything to write down. After about two hours I'll know that I'm suffering from a case of Writer's Block.

I used to get really down when I got Writer's Block. I imagined that anyone who'd actually sat down and written a book didn't suffer from it. Of course, I've now learned that ALL writer's suffer from it and that we all love to procrastinate as well.

But when we've gotten bored of playing Robot Unicorn and Tertris online, and when our tweets start to turn into nothing but reiterating "I'm bored" in new and fancy ways over and over again, we have to get back to writing, and Writer's Block will still be there.

As I said before, it used to get me really down because I couldn't think of anything to write. But now I've realized, that's not true at all. I always have something in mind to write about. But the way my brain works is that I have to write everything in sequential order lest everything be thrown out of control.

I have learned to completely ignore my desire for order. The rest of my life runs on controlled chaos and it's worked great for me for the past 20 years. Why not just, apply it to my writing as well and then pull it all together like I do with the rest of my life?

This is probably the most brilliant thing I've ever done, which isn't saying much, but it pulls me out of my writer's block which is awesome. I simply skip ahead. What do I know I want to write about? What do I know is going to happen? What I can I write right now that is going to help me?

And I write that instead. Usually, after I've done that I've been able to think of what's going to happen before what I'd just written and then the block is gone.

It doesn't always work. Sometimes it just leads to more Writer's Block which will then lead to me over indulging in Oreos and Harry Potter fanfiction and, eventually, sleep. When my block is this severe I know that it's time to get up and walk away and do something productive. Most writers I know cringe at the thought of being productive, but eventually we have to put on pants and get some laundry done or do some dishes. Sometimes, Writer's Block is nothing more than your brain needing a break. And while our body's only impulse is to write until our we've rubbed off the letters from our keyboards, sometimes our brain says to us "look, Crazy Person, I'm not going to help you advance the plot until you make stop looking at this computer screen for a while."

The last technique I've developed for writer's block is eliminating distraction completely. This doesn't mean turning off my TV and getting off Twitter for a few hours, I have to leave my computer for a while, break out my purple binder and hand write my work. This, out of everything else, is what has proved to be the best thing I've ever done. It takes longer to hand write and my hand definitely cramps up when I do it, but I think without the temptation of the internet or solitaire, it's easier. Not only that, but I think because writing by hands takes longer, it also makes you think more because you have to take your time with every single word, whereas on my laptop, I can crank something out easily because my hands have memorized the keys and that makes it go by so much faster.

Writer's Block sucks. It totally sucks, but it's also challenging. My only desire in the whole world is to write and when I get blocked then I feel like a drug addict who can't get a fix. I just don't feel like I'm functioning unless I'm creating something with my words. The only way to get my fix is to find ways around Writer's Block so I can do what I need to do.

Fare thee well,
April

I Think I Hate You Facebook

Greetings!

So, I'm irritated and the only way I know how to properly express anger is by writing it down or making my followers on Twitter mad with a series "CAPSLOCK APRIL" tweets which are annoying and probably take away from my irritation by irritating other people. And thus, I turn here.

Today, what irritates me is something that has irritated me for a while now: Facebook.

I liked Facebook for a while, then I moved to Twitter which basically completes my social networking soul. And I always went back to Facebook every day to see how friends are doing, post a status update maybe, perhaps I'd post something funny or cool I found on the internet. I was just as quiet and friendly on Facebook as I am in real life.

It has just now occurred to me, however, that if my reserved personality can show through on Facebook people who are obnoxious in real life can most certainly be obnoxious on Facebook too.

People who post the same status four times in a week make me want to slam my head against my desk repeatedly. I understand that maybe you really do love your life. Maybe you really are happy just doin' you, but if you're going to clog my feed with your repetitiveness and make me waste 10 seconds (that I could spend about BBC or CNN or HuffPo or The Onion or seeing what's new in Star Trek)  for the love of Helga Hufflepuff, could you at least mix it up a little.

And another thing--why do people feel the need to put pointed statuses up on Facebook. For example: "I'm so over the Facebook drama. I didn't know we were still in high school, but it's okay. Go ahead and be childish. I'm on my own level" or something to that effect.(I've never had Facebook drama so excuse me if I'm not clear on how these ridiculous statuses are supposed to work.)

That's not just something you say in general. You are obviously talking about ONE person and you are obviously doing nothing but continuing the Facebook drama by making pointed comments.

What really, really, grinds my gears about Facebook is that people are exactly the same online as they are in real life, except BRAVER. I mean, pointed status updates are basically things you whisper to your friends behind other people's back. And you can put them on blast on Facebook , saying anything and everything you want about them WITHOUT using their name and when you see them IRL or if the pop-up chat you on Facebook you're going to be just as polite as possible even if you said 30 seconds ago that you were so over them and that you were going to be above the BS.

This leads me to one conclusion: I find people obnoxious in real life. If people are braver on the internet wouldn't it make them even MORE obnoxious? Facebook increases obnoxiousness dramatically. It increases stupid dramatically. It increases the amounts of face palms I do daily, dramatically.

And the obvious answer is to just delete all the stupid obnoxious people from your profile, from your life. But there are some people who you can't get rid of because that would leave to drama in your real life which you try desperately to avoid because no matter how much you love someone some people in your life are just annoying on the internet.

I'm sure people get tired of me always going on about Harry Potter on Facebook. I'm sure they think that's obnoxious, I'm sure they wish I would tone it down. I'm sure that in person they think "aw, April like Harry Potter. How cute." but on Facebook they feel like "If she posts about Deathly Hallows 2 again I will cut that bitch."

And if I can be obnoxious on the internet and adorable in real life then people can certainly be obnoxious online and just fine in real life.


But if you delete them on Facebook then obviously you have a problem with them because obviously Facebook is an accurate depiction of who your real friends are.

I know most people use Facebook to stalk people. I know you only friend some people so you can see their business and say "look at what this hoe is wearing. I always knew she was a skank. Let's look at her pictures and see how skanky she is."

But godforbid this person you don't even like deletes you. Then all of a sudden you're incredibly offended because how dare they dislike you.

I could keep going but I feel myself making less and less sense and understanding how much people and Facebook just annoy the crap out of me. Sometimes I just want to go on people's pages and post nasty Draco Malfoy type comments to shock them into shutting up.

But that is so not me. I feel guilty when I speak my mind about people making me upset. Like I have the balls to be nasty to people.

All though some day I really would like to use my favorite insult a la Sauruman from The Two Towers. "You stink of horse." That would be so boss.

*sigh*

To delete Facebook or not to delete Facebook. That is the question.

BDEA 11: It's Gettin' Hot In Hurr

Greetings!

Today is another one of those where I have nothing to talk about.

Target was not fun, again. Our scanners went down so I kept having to call people over the walkies to find stuff (or rather, tell me that we were out of things).

It's warm, which is nice but I'm hot because I'm wearing a hoodie because when I got to work I had to do a freezer pull (which is just stock for the feezer)and it was massive and I was cold. THen I never took the hoodie off. That was not smart.

My throat is sore. I'm drinking ghetto iced tea (Dairymens FTW) and eating popcorn for dinner.

I'll probably nom on some chewy cookies later.

A balanced diet.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 10: Melting

Greetings!

This morning I woke up and it was hot as balls. Huzzah! The weather in bipolar Cleveland was finally starting to change in the right direction.

Yes! Warm weather!

Although I'm not the best at heat (it makes me weak) I was excited. Time to break out the shorts and the tank tops (except at Target where apparently I'll still be doomed to red and khaki pants.

So I get upstairs from sleeping in the basement and the house is, as always, melting.

But I sit down on the couch and prepare to wait Bait Car and then I smell something. A smelly sort of smell.

The smell that you smell when you turn the heat on in your house.

IT WAS 80 DEGREES AND SOMEONE HAD TURNED ON THE HEAT!

I did not understand. I still do not understand why, on the first hot day of summer, after staying here house sitting in the cold for three days THIS was the day that someone turned on the heat.

My brain was confused.

It was simple as turning the heat off and opening a few doors and blowing a fan to cool it down slightly, but still--it is hot as balls out here.

It is incredibly hot. But tomorrow it will be 60 and slowly the temperature will drop to the 40 again, just in time for me to turn 20. Boo!

Ah, the sun is setting. I can already feel it cooling down.

Time for me to relax...

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 9: 20 More Little Things

Greetings!

So, I've been feeling incredibly stressed out and angry as of late and I've been having a hard time relaxing. So, I decided to use to day to make another list of 20 more little things that make me happy, to remind myself that life is not as horrible as I think it is currently:

1. Walking inside from the cold into a warm house.

2. A nice cup of green tea with honey.

3. Listening to Picard say "Make it so" and "Energize"

4. Listening to Wizard Rock.

5. Rereading Blogging Twilight.

6. Getting to watch Attack of the Show.

7. Really hot, really tasty bacon pizza.

8. Reading Sonnets.

9. That irritated look Dana Scully gets on her face every time Mulder finds evidence of aliens that can be easily dismissed by science.

10. Dragon Ball Z Abridged "I have green skin, pointy ears, and a turban. Oh, yeah--I must look like so many other people."

11. Horatio Caine one liners.

12. Trying to teach my boyfriend's nephew to say "April" without him saying "ball?" instead.

13. Rereading my old writing and cringing at how bad I used to be.

14. Blasting my music and singing along to it.

15. Yu-Yu Hakusho Abridged. "Damn, Hiei. When'd you have time to chop him up like that?" "About 2 seconds after I nailed your mother." "Haha. And I thought you didn't have a sense of humor." "I don't."

16. Watching Mystery Diagnosis and making myself even more of a hypochondriac one episode at a time.

17. Dancing--when people aren't watching me of course.

18. Successfully making and consuming Shake and Bake.

19. Hanging out with people I haven't seen in a while.

20. Coloring in a color book with crayons.

Whew. Tough to do when I'm not feeling at 100% April. I'll be honest though, watching the Horatio one liner really perked me up quite a lot.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 8: Relax

Greetings.

I don't feel like blogging today.

I woke up to an anxiety attack and have been handling it all day.

So, I don't feel like blogging.

Instead I'd like to crawl into a hole and sleep or something.

But I can't. I've been trying and I can't.

Today has been a horrible day and I fear it I am the only one to blame for it.

*sigh*

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 7: Weird Nerd Love Part 2

Greetings!

I love anime.

Most of the anime I watch is mainstream, but still, what I've watched, I've loved. And just like with books and TV personalities who host the news, I am in love with a few anime characters.

We'll begin with my firs anime love. I thought it was Gary Oak from Pokemon, ah Gary.

But then I realized that there was one character I've been crushing on since LONG before Gary.

Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon.

Ah, yes, just thinking about him makes the five-year-old girl in me weak in the knees. That top hat, that cap, the roses. I was sold. I'm still sold.

And I still can't explain why Serena never could tell that Tuxedo Mask was her beloved Darien because it was so obvious.

Tuxedo mask was so dreamy, not only because of the dreamy effects that they used on the screen--surrounding him with flower petals, make the screen all foggy and what not--but because he was a super hero. He would always come out of nowhere and save the day and Sailor Moon would be like "Oh, Tuxedo Mask, you're so awesome and dreamy" and he'd be all like, "Yes. Yes I am" and then disappear.

I still swoon just thinking about it.

Number two on my list is Uryu Ishida from Bleach.

I know, Uryu? The nerd? Mr. Handy-Crafts?

Yes. I mean, hello. I love to knit and I love nerds. And he wears glasses. I am a sucker for a guy with glasses.

And look at the bow and arrow.  Gaze and be amazed at the size. The sheer strength. . .

Uryu is a champ too. He constantly has to put up Ichigo and Renji and lord knows their more than occasional stupidity makes you want to ram your head through a wall.

Plus he's a sweetheart. I know you saw the Bount Arc. I know you were sad when his lady friend went away forever.

And yes, he kind of starts out as a douche--I know, but he redeems himself. He gets to be awesome.

Not to mention, he's a pretty snazzy dresser.

I am such a weirdo.

Last, but certainly not least, is Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist.

Sure, he's not the tallest guy around standing at about 4'11" (poor guy), and sure he may have an automail arm and leg.

But Ed's heart is always in the right place. His morals started off pretty bad, attempting the whole human transmutation, but he only did it because he was a little kid who missed him mommy and used his special talent to try to get her back. You can't really fault him for that.

And he and Alphonse and tight. And it's so cute. You don't see brotherly love like that. My brothers don't love each other like that.

And then there's Ed and Winry. Sure, he keeps her at arms length, but it's only because he obviously loves her so much. Remember Barry the Chopper (and I'm thinking FMa not FMA Brotherhood)? Remember how sad he felt when she got attacked and he almost couldn't save her?

How bad he feels every time he hurts her? Or hurts Al? Or how he felt when he let his teacher down.

Edward Elric has such a big heart despite his small size. Plus he can use alchemy and kicks ass with his automail.

So Tuxedo Mask, Utryu, and Edward don't have much cross over at all in anyway, but whatever. My brain is scattered around all over the place so that should explain some things obviously.

Until tomorrow.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 6: Now With More Dolphin

Greetings!

So, I totally was going to write this blog about anime characters that I love, but it's late and I won't be able to give it the care and attention that it deserves.

Instead, I'll tell you about other stuff.

Like tonight at Target, I finished with all my work at about 9:45 which left me with nothing to do for 45 minutes. Some of my softlines buddies finished way before that.

Sometimes while I'm at work I think of really clever things that I could write about but I don't have the opportunity to write them down. It makes me a sad panda.

We are currently debating on whether or not you can use miracle whip if it expired back in August and September.

We say no. One says it's just "the sell by date."

A likely story.

This conversation just happened:

BF: This tuna says it's not dolphin safe?

Me: Really?

BF: No. Why would they put that on a can?

Me: They would in Japan.

BF: This is not Japan.

Me: In Japan they probably say "Now with more dolphin."

Oh yeah, that was in bad taste. I made a joke in bad taste verbally. Booyah.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 5: An Open Letter it Kanye West

Dear Kanye West,

I am a huge fan of yours. I mean, I've never heard a song that you've made that I didn't like.

Seriously, if not for you would ever listen to rap music. You are an innovator.

You're awesome. You know you're awesome right? People have had to tell you that you're awesome right?

Oh. . . Right, I guess you do know that you're awesome considering the fact that once you get past how the amazing sound that you created, all your lyrics pretty much talk about how amazing you know you are.

So, music aside, I guess, you're a talkative, self-important douche bag.

I've always known you were a douche, Kanye, but it really hit me the day that you interrupted Taylor Swift.

Seriously, what  made you think that it was okay for you do that? To Taylor Swift of all people. And then she wrote a song about how you're a douche and that you need to grow up.

Buddy, listen, how would you like if it you were on stage winning an award for the biggest douche, as always, proclaiming to the world how awesome you are and how everyone else should just be happy that you even exist because their lives would be so worthless without you, and out of nowhere, Taylor Swift comes on stage and says "I'mma let you finish, but Mike 'The Situation' is the biggest  douche bag of all time" and walked away.

How dare she interrupt you in them middle of your speech. Your moment of glory to tell you that you are not worthy?

And that's exactly what you did to her. Shameful.

Still, even after all that I still listened to your music.

But I'm sad to say that I can no longer support your music.

And it's not because your music is bad, but only because you have become even more of a douche than I thought possible.

How? If you could be mean to Taylor swift, who I love, and still have my support, what could I possibly be offended by?

Your diamond teeth.

Really? What the hell were you thinking?

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 4: Tear Jerkers

Greetings!

When I cry, it's usually because I'm angry and not because I'm sad or distraught. There are exceptions, like the last time I saw all of my friends before we went away to college or that day my brother got a concussion on a swing when I was eight.

The biggest exception to the sad rule is movies and sad TV shows. When Rose and the Doctor got stuck in different dimensions my heartbroke and it still does every time. But the list of movies goes on far longer than the list of TV shows and there are three movies that will undoubtedly make me cry every time I watch them.

The first is Rugrats: The Movie. I know what you're thinking--how can a movie about babies make me cry? Well, there is more than one instance in this movie that will bring the water works. The first is when Didi mom is reading Tommy a story and Stu brings Dill into the room and she stops reading to sing Dill to sleep. As soon as Dill is asleep they leave the room and never finish reading to Tommy. So Tommy, sits in the closet feeing sad and abandoned. And I will cry.

The second is when Tommy and Dill are stuck alone together and Tommy is about to give Dill away to the monkeys and Dill gets scared and starts clinging to Tommy. It's so sweet every time that I just started crying.

The last tie is when Spike fights the wolf and everyone thinks he's dead. Oh, man. You have no idea how much that sucked for me. And I cried like some wolf killed my own dog. And I'm always so overwhelmed when I find out he's not dead that I cry some more.

You're probably laughing at me for crying during Rugrats but whatever.

The second movies that never fails to make me cry is Titanic. I know, incredibly cliched but whatever. I am a sucker for love stories and Jack and Rose are one of my favorites.

The only part of the movie that really makes me cry is when she jumps off the lifeboat and back onto Titanic and finds Jack and is like "You jump I jump right?"

Every time.

The last movie is a movie that I have seen once and probably can't watch again for fear that I'll lose control again. Never have I ever cried so hard at a movie as I did when I saw Toy Story 3.

That movie is too serious. The scene in the dump just made me cry so hard. I felt like my life was over. It hurt so much I couldn't stand it and the end obviously. I left that theatre in tears.

Toy Story 3 was incredible but it's too much for me to handle.

Other movies that have made me cry are Pokemon the First Movie, A Walk to Remember, Harry Potter 5 and 7 part one.

I also cried after I watched The Village but that was because I couldn't believe I'd wasted my time watching that movie.

Haha, I'm joking.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 3: M. Night Shamalanadingdong

Greetings!

Do you remember WAY back when when M. Night Shyamalan first came onto the scene and everyone was pretty excited about his movies because they were pretty boss?

I mean, I watched the Sixth Sense. That movie was pretty damn good. And I liked Unbreakable as well.

But then we got to Signs and something about it just didn't feel right. Maybe it was because the only movies I liked Mel Gibson in were Pocahontas and Lethal Weapon. I get pretty excited about movies with aliens because I am an alien lover and all that, but Signs just wasn't my cup of tea. It wasn't completely bad but it could've been a lot better.

Still, I had hope that Shyamalan would come back and wow everyone with another good movie.

. . . And then I saw The Village.

This movie was horrible that I watched it once and Shyamalan lost all credibility.

Town stuck in the 1700s on the inside of a reserve in a forest where people dress up as animals to keep everyone from discovering the truth? Are you serious?

I watched that movie on a snow day when I was home from school. I cannot believe I wasted my snow day like that.

It started off pretty good, you know, you sat and you wondered what kinds of animals live in the forest and all that jazz but then Liam Neeson comes out and is like "Oh, we're the monsters."

And then she climbs a wall and, behold, civilization.

*head desk*

So, I decided to never watch another M. Night Shyamalan film again.

I saw the trailer for Lady in the Water and decided "I will not waste my time again."

But then, The Happening came out and it was rated-R and it had Mark Wahlberg and John Leguizamo and Zooey Deschanel and the concept of the movie didn't sound too horrible, so I thought, maybe it'll be a good one.

*shakes head*

No. Just no.

The only thing more disappointing than The Happening was The Knowing with Nick Cage and I feel about his acting the same way that I feel about Shyamaln's directing.

Which brings me to the greatest Shyamalan tragedy ever:

The Last Airbender. Do you know how psyched I was when I discovered that they were making that into a movie? I danced with glee and twirled and sang and was so happy.

And when I finally saw the trailer for it I was excited. It looked pretty cool. And then it said those words that also mean "This film will be terrible":

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

And then over and over and over again thousands of Avatar fans cried out in pain because such a masterful animated series had been butchered by this destroyer of everything he touches.

Most recently, I believe, he came out with a movie called Devil which is about five people being stuck in an elevator with, you guessed it, the devil.

Personally, I think a film about being stuck in an elevator would be scary enough, but throw in a stupid twist like the devil and slap Shyamalan's name on it and even I'm to frightened to watch it.

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 2: Weird Nerd Love

Greetings!

It comes as no surprise to most people that I have pretty odd tastes in everything. Tragically, my music collection consists mostly of Wizard Rock, 80's Soft Rock, and Taylor Swift which just leaves most people looking at me like I've grown a third head (because, obviously, I already have two).

I'd like to say  that as I've gotten older my taste has gotten better, but it hasn't. It's only become more dated, more Wizard Rocky and more Taylor Swifty.

Musical interests aside, my attraction to most things in life is always odd. Including, most especially, my nerd crushes.

You know, your nerd crushes--those people you see reporting the news or narrating on the History Channel that just make your insides turn to mush?

What? I'm the only one that has those? Well, this is awkward. . .

Anyway, I've got three big nerd crushes. I'll start with the one that's stuck around for the longest:

George Stephanopoulos.

Now that you're done scratching your head, let me explain.

It all started a long time ago before he was an anchor or Good Morning America. Back when he was a political correspondent for ABC. And then he had his own political talk show in the morning on Sundays that I used to watch.

Political jargon always goes right over my head (I need to take a Poli-Sci class) so I never really paid much attention to what was going on, but I always watched George.

I'll be honest, what really caught my eye. One day, he popped up on to the screen and Oh. My. God. Yellow blazer. Black slacks. Black and yellow tie.

George Stephanopoulos is a Hufflepuff. Be still my beating heart.

It was a sign that this nerd love was meant to be. One day, I'll stop sleeping in so late and I'll be able to get up on time to actually watch him on the morning news again, and eventually I'll be more politically savvy and be able to understand more than 25% of what he's talking about.

My second nerd love is one of the contributors to one of my favorite television shows ever--The Universe. I always say that if I had been born with a talent for math and not for English, I'd definitely be working toward getting into NASA to do research because outer space, the final frontier, my God, I can't imagine a more enchanting field to study.

But alas, I can't wrap my brain around all the math that it takes understand how the universe works so, instead, I listen to my nerd love, Michio Kaku, dumb it down for me.

You're probably scratching your head again. I know, I know. But you just don't understand.

He's adorable. I probably find him adorable because every time I look at him I see a little Chibi-Michio, but that's beside the point. When he's on The Universe or talking to Nightline about the crisis in Japan, he always knows what he's talking about.

On the Universe he gets so excited. He'll sit there and talk about Shoemaker-Levy 9 and be so excited and say something like "It was the first time we were able to witness an extraterrestrial collision with our own two eyes! It was so boss!"

Of course, he doesn't use words like "Boss" although, my nerd head would probably explode if he did. Still, he gets really excited when he talks about things like that and when I see people nerding out about things that I nerd out about it just makes the little fangirl in me do a jig.

Also, don't act like you haven't noticed that he looks like an older version of Masi Oka.

And now, we come to my last nerd love. This guy is the reason I wanted to join Star Fleet as a child.

George Takei.

Now I know what you're thinking--"Come on, April! George Takei is gay! He could never love you!"

I know this, obviously, but gosh darn it, I can't help how I feel! I have felt this way since the very first time I watched Star Trek The Original Series.

And then recently, watching Heroes I discovered--Oh. My. God! Mr. Sulu is Hiro's father.

So, obviously, I love George Takei not because of his mind but because of the fantastically nerdy projects he's a part of. And I love that he's so openly passionate about equal marriage rights--this could have something to do with the fact that he's gay, but whatever. I am inclined to love people who love people loving people.

Did I mention that I followed him on Twitter and he DMed me? And my little nerd head nearly imploded from it.

I love that man.

Anyway, those are the nerd loves of April.

More like this to come in the future. It will be filled with people who are considerably less old (with the exception of Sean Connery) and less Asian (with the exception of Johnny Yong Bosch. Man, do I love Johnny Yong Bosch).

Fare thee well,
April

BEDA 1: BEDA Take Two

Greetings!

That's right! It's April Brother-tuckers! Brace yo'self foos!

Now, that's I've got that brief moment of insanity out of the way, let's get down to the meat of it.

Blog Every Day in April has begun. Are you excited? I am excited. I did pretty good in August with BEDA, I thought, heck, another go won't hurt.

Especially since the RWCC Challenge failed so spectacularly. BUT at least I kept my apartment clean (well, not the past two days--things have been stressful here this week).

Anyway, I've written down some topics to blog about since August was filled with me being angsty and sad and angry and progressively more so as the month went on.

It'll be harder this time around since I'll be working more than I did in August, but heck, I managed to win NaNoWriMo TWICE going to school full-time (let's not talk about the fail of 2010, kthnxbai).

Besides, April is my month. I was BORN this month. I was named after this month. I may get confused every time someone mentions the date and I think people are calling me and they aren't but whatever.

Fun things are planned for this month.

Ready. Set. Blog.

Tomorrow of course.

Fare thee well,
April

RWCC Challenge Day 23: Catching Fire

[Argh--there be spoilers ahead. Readers ye be warned.]

Greetings!

So, I just finished reading Catching Fire. I know, it took me long enough to start reading this series, but I had a little trouble getting started because I lacked something in the characters--emotional investment.

I'm on to Mockingjay now, and although I still feel the strong desire to kick Katniss in the face as I find her annoying, the emotional investment is there.

I can honestly say that I don't really feel a whole lot of love for Katniss. She's as selfish as the day is long and what annoys me even more is that she knows she's selfish because she constantly says things along the lines of "he was concerned about me, but I was only concerned for myself." And she feels bad every time she thinks about it but always fails to deviate from her usual pattern of behavior.

The other thing that bothers me about Katniss is that she doens't know what she wants. When she's with Gale it's all Gale all the time. But when she's with Peeta it's all about Peeta. I think her problem is that she can't seperate her romantic feelings from her "just friends" feelings which is why sometimes she makes out with Peeta on the beach or why sometimes she goes gallivanting off into the forest with Gale, which is pretty much the Katniss equivalent of making out.

Let's not talk about Katniss. Let's talk about why I actually like this book so much.

Despite the fact that pretty much everything Katniss thinks annoys me, I like the way she says it. I also like that she annoys me because it means she's being honest. It annoys me that she doesn't know what she wants but Collins makes a point to show that Katniss probably doesn't know what she wants either.

Also, the change in her personality is different from The Hunger Games to Catching Fire. She was pretty tough in the beginning--a loner, self reliant, content to be left alone. While usually a traumatic event like the Hunger Games would harden someone, I think it actually softened her. She was so suspicious and untrusting in book one, but this time round she expresses that she does trust people and how she doesn't want to kill to stay alive. She went into the games willing to sacrifice herself so Peeta get out. She still has to fight back her selfish tendencies and her suspicious tendencies first, she does eventually come around.

I like Katniss in those moments.

The other things I like about the books: The Hunger Games arena. As soon as I went to bed after reading Catching Fire, I dreamed about the Hunger Games with the ever present "tick-tock" of a clock going in the background the whole time. Not only that, but there are things in those arenas that never fail to make think that Suzanne Collins watched too much Indiana Jones and horror movies as a child. The things you find there are just horrifying.

The first thing that Suzanne Collins ever wrote that gave me nightmares were those wasps that stung that girl to death. Then they got attacked by those mutts. And I thought, no way that can get topped.

Well, color me wrong. Acid fog. Blood rain. Tidal waves. Electrocution. Killer monkeys. Insanity. Pandemonium.

Collins' mind must be a terrifying place to be.

Finally, the actual plot of the story is pretty damn good too. I mean, it's incredibly effed up obviously, still. Everything about it just keeps me thinking. For instance, is every district the size of a city? If so, how small is the population of humans left alive? Those are the two most daunting question I got from it. Trying to figure out why the Capitol is so oppressive and trying to figure out why some of the other districts are so impoverished would be like trying to figure why some countries here are so oppressive and why some countries are so impoverished. And it's THAT realization that made me feel connected with the actual story.

Thinking that things in America could really get so horrible that we could turn into that horrifies me. That's why Utopia/Dystopia stories are my favorite and this series is especially good.

The main character annoys me, yes, but the story and everything that Katniss is fighting for pulls me in. Plus it's exceptionally well written. There aren't any fancy words and it isn't overly detailed. It's simple, but it's got a lot of feeling to it. It's riveting.

I'm well on my way into Mockingjay and I've already face palmed myself and actually found people I dislike more than Katniss, but I won't get into that yet.

Hmm... I'm not sure how to end a review. Maybe a should do a little jig *does a jig*

I promise I'll do better next time. Practice makes perfect!

Fare thee well,
April

RWCC Challenge: Day 16: Road Trip Wednesday

Greetings!

So today's Road Trip Wednesday topic is: Who have you written into a book--be honest.

What? I've never written anyone I know into a book. You're crazy. . .

Of course, I'm lying, but as it happens, I try to avoid doing this at all cost.

The first book I ever wrote, which will never see the light of day ever again (it is safely hidden away in a plastic tub inside of a notebook, affectionately dubbed "The Bloom Book") was written in 10th grade. It was called Livvie's Story. I know, what an awful title, but I was in 10th grade. Who cared?

Anyway, I spent all day and all night working on this book and at first I was in love with it. But then, a friend asked if she could be in the book and I thought to myself, sure why not. So I wrote her into it. However, soon after this others started to ask to be in it as well. And because I was 15 and I loved my friends more dearly than anyone else in the world, I obliged.

Long story short, I finished the book (a feat I have since not been able to replicate) but I hated it. I couldn't even look at it. By adding my friends into it, it had turned into something that I really, really, really hated.

It wasn't because I hated my friends or anything. It was mostly because it just wasn't the story I had envisioned anymore. Since then I have done my best to stray away from adding people I know in real life into my writing. . . However. . .

I may or may not have added a boy I had a HUGE crush on in third grade into something I've written. He used to throw things at me in class and make fun of me, you know, act like boys did when they liked a girl in grade school. I transfered schools in third grade and didn't see him again until I was in 11th grade when I was at the library. He walked up to me and our conversation went something like this:

Him: Hi, April.
Me: Oh, hi. Long time no see.
Him: Yeah. So my mom said the reason I was mean to you when we were in grade school was because I liked you, but I just wanted to let you know that I didn't like you.
Me: Oh. . . Okay. . .
Him: Okay. . . Bye.

I assumed that things like can't possibly happen in real life because who's really worried about who did or didn't like someone in third grade, especially since I never spoke to him ever again since I left the school, but whatever, I decided I had to write it down because people had to also look at that story and say "of course it's in a book because that would never ACTUALLY happen" when I'll know that it did because it happened to me.

There are other people I've written into my work, disguised very carefully as minor characters or characters that are written in for the soul purpose of being fridge stuffing. Basically, if I wrote someone I know in real life into my work it's because they were A) Really interesting or B) Made me want to choke them.

None of those people, nor the boy from 3rd grade, are mentioned by name and I'm willing to bet that if they read my stuff they'd never notice it was them.

Have I ever written myself into a book? No. But, I have taken certain characteristics from personality, inflated them, and then attached them to a character as a way to have a little bit of myself in every book which I think is fair and I think everyone does it subconsciously anyway.

The people in our everyday lives are a part of our experiences right? And, as a writer, we write about our experiences and what not, so, that being the case, people are bound to end up in our books if they were a part of our lives if they have a good (or bad) enough impact on us.

Fare thee well,
April