HP Book One: Chapter 5

Chapter Title: Diagon Alley
What I Would Call It: It's Tough Being Harry Potter

The one thing I love about Harry throughout the entire series is that he constantly remains enchanted by the magical world he lives in. Every time he learns about about new piece of magic or sees how it works in wonderful and fantastic ways, it's all so beautiful and wonderful to him. It annoys most people I know that Harry constantly seems surprised by the things magic can do and should, especially by the time he gets older, shouldn't be surprised by it anymore.

But I think it's great. It's like how when people first meet the Doctor and they learn aliens are real and they spend the whole day fighting aliens and when it's over and the Doctor invites them to go on adventures with him they see the Tardis, this little blue police box, and ythey wonder, how is that a space ship and they go inside and it's vast and huge and--it's bigger on the inside.

Even though they've spent the whole day fighting Daleks or Cybermen or Santa's with guns and they're like "well now I've seen EVERYTHING" they go into the TARDIS and they're still like "Whoa!" And no matter how many times they travel to different periods in history or how many times they visit other planets, every time they do it's always a wonderful and new experience.

The very same principle applies here.

This only comes to mind because Harry wakes up the next morning after everything and thinks it was all a dream. His world is so normal and so cut and dry that a giant named Hagrid can't have possibly come to take him away to a magical school called Hogwarts. He can't be a wizard. He can't be famous. His parents died in a car crash and not by a dark wizard with a silly name.

But it's true, proven by the owl that shows up tapping on the window to deliver a newspaper. It attacks Hagrid's coat and he instructs Harry to pay the with  bird with 5 knuts *snickers*. I'm sorry, but did you seriously read this book as a child and not laugh when the currency was introduced to you as knuts? Did no part of your brain see that and think "that sounds inappropriate so I'm going to laugh at it!"

So, Harry discovers wizards have money, but then is astonished to find they have banks, sorry A bank. One bank. Gringotts. Run by goblins.  Awesomesauce. Hagrid says it's a bad idea to rob them because goblins are nasty and mean, but it is the safest place in the world, "'cept maybe Hogwarts". But they have to go there anyway for Dumbledore.

You know, sometimes I think of Dumbledore as being like Captain Picard. He was always so smart and intelligent and kind and all that and when business needed to get taken care of, he had the perfect team for it. So when aliens attacked or when something in the engine room broke, Data or Geordi or Riker would be like "this is how we can fix it" and Picard would be "That's cool, do this in addition to that" and they'd be like "that's an even better plan" and Picard is all "Yep, cause I'm all awesome. Make it so."

And sometimes it seems like Picard isn't the hero, without his leadership and all his "make it so's" nothing would ever get done. Like Dumbledore.

And now that I've confused those of you who have never seen Star Trek before, let's move along.

Harry asks how Hagrid got here because, there's no other boat aside from uncle Vernon's. Hagrid says he flew. Harry imagines Hagrid flying and so do I. Like, can't you just picture Hagrid soaring through the sky, his jacket flapping in the wind behind him like some large, hairy superman? Best imagery I've had in my head all day.

On the boat, Hagrid reads the Daily Prophet and Harry, as is typical of any 11-year-old asks a thousand questions. We learn that wizards have a Ministry of Magic. I Googled "British Ministries" to gain a better grasp of how their government works and I got confused. There were a lot of people and dates and time lines. No definitions. I, an ignorant American, can only assume (after also watching Torchwood and Doctor Who which are both places you want to look to learn about how things REALLY happen across the pond) that they have different ministries there that function as their form of government, like here in America we have different departments and what not like the Department of Defense and so on. Like that.

I'm sure I'm probably wrong but, like I said, ignorant American.

According to Hagrid, the ministry wanted Dumbledore to be Minister of Magic (which is equal to the President or Prime Minister--I do know SOME things) but everyone knows he loves Hogwarts so Cornelius Fudge asks him a thousand questions a day about how to do his job.

Harry asks why the Ministry of Magic keeps magic away from Muggles. Because muggles are greedy. Didn't he see Lord of the Rings? What happened when Sauron gave the rings to kings of men? They got all power hungry and turned into the Nazgul... Then again it is only 1991 where Harry is and so it hasn't been made into a major motion picture yet. I think that terrible cartoon was out back then but... Like I said, terrible cartoon. And Harry doesn't strike me as the kind of child who reads Tolkein.

But that's exactly why muggles don't know about magic, because if they did they'd want magic to solve all their problems.

Another question Harry asks is about if Gringotts really keeps a dragon in its vault. I'm sure he was getting at "are Dragons real?" but Hagrid says that he's wanted a dragon ever since he was a child (there'll be a quiz on this later).

They get on a train and people stare. Maybe it's because it's because Hagrid's a giant who likes to knit yellow things. I think people wouldn't stare as much if he were doing something appropriate to the way he looks like, cleaning a shot gun or sharpening an axe.

Whilst knitting, Harry looks at his school supply list. There's his uniform for starters (did you know their robes had NAME TAGS?). There's a list of some awesome books everyone wants: Standard book of spells, A History of Magic (Bathilda!), and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them  (Hey, I have that one!) for starters.

Then there's "Other Equipment". At the very top of the list is the most magical, shiny, wonderful, glorious thing that everyone wishes they had (or, if you do have one you wish it worked outside of your imagination): 1 Wand.

Excuse me while the little fan girl inside of dances and spins and twirls dreamily.

Moving on, they go to London and come to the place known as "The Leaky Cauldron". Harry suspects that only he and Hagrid can see it. He will learn later of course, that muggles only really see what they want to see.

Inside, it looks like a pub, people smoked, people drank. They saw Hagrid and waved hello. It was like the set of Cheers.

Tom the bartender asks if Hagrid wants his usual, but Hagrid can't drink while he's working. Then everything goes still. People stare. Then everyone's like "OMG! You're Harry Potter!"

Then, a name I remember, Dedalus Diggle. Harry's all like "I've seen you before! You bowed to me once in a shop!" And then Dedalus gets all fangirly. He reminds me of me that day I went to my first The Remus Lupins concert and Alex Carpenter was like "Oh, yeah, I remember you from MySpace." And on the inside I was all like "OMG! Alex Carpenter knows who I am! Whee!" But on the outside I was like "cool" because, I was too cool for that whole fangirling people outwardly (that is until the day I met Neville's Diary, but that's an embarrassing tale worthy of it's own blog).

Then we meet another character intrinsic to the plot, without whom this book would have no plot: Professor Quirrell who has an eye twitch and a stutter and teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts.

After he leaves the pub to an empty, walled courtyard where Harry asks if Quirrell is always that nervous. Apparently, and I forgot all about this, he was fine until he took that year off and ran into those vampires and the hag and now he's scared of everything.

Hagrid taps a brick on the wall and a hold appears which grows bigger and bigger until an archway forms and  a little cobblestone (*google image searches cobblestone* So THAT'S what they look like. It's like brick but not really) street.

Welcome to Diagon Alley.

Whatever, Jo. We know you just pulled the word diagonally apart and added an "e". I know your game.

Diagon Alley is magical and wonderful and did I mention wonderful. It's filled with loads of shops filled with awesome things that Harry wouldn't have thought up in his dizziest day dreams. But then they come to Gringotts, the giant white building with the creepy little goblins.

They go up to the counter and meet with a wee goblin. After asking for the key to Harry's vault. Hagrid slips the teller a note and says it's about the "you-know-what" in vault 713.

Oh. Em. Gee. 7 and 13 are my two favorite numbers. Coincidence?

So, a goblin by the name of Griphook pops up and leads them back to the vaults by way of a fun roller coaster type train that makes Hagrid sick.

On the way, I find one way that muggles are better than wizards. Harry asks Hagrid what the difference between stalagmite and stalactite are. Hagrid replied with "Stalagmite has an 'm' in it."

Now, because I'm a muggle I have a mobile cellular device. On this this cell phone I can go to this website called google and type in something like "stalagmite vs stalactite" and then google will come back and tell me the answer.

Wizards and witches of the world--where's your google?

That's right, Muggles: 1 Wizards: 1,000,000,000,000...

So, they reach Harry's vault and he opens the door and inside are mountains and mountains and mountains of money. Harry realizes that he's rich and is flabbergasted. Hagrid explains the money, knuts, sickles, and galleons. I won't repeat it here because I've never remembered it and I doubt I ever will. I'm okay with that.

After collecting his money, they go to vault 713 and pull out the You-Know-What. Harry is disappointed that in side of the vault is empty except for the You-Know-What. He thought there was going to be tons of cash and jewels on the inside of it, but alas, no.

When they leave Gringotts, Hagrid suggest Harry go get his school robes while he goes to get a pick me up from the Leaky Cauldron. Yes, Hagrid, that's responsible. Leave a child who's never been here before ever in his life to wander here alone. You most certainly can go get a drink from the pub.

But, Harry goes it alone to Madame Malkins Robes For All Occasions.

Inside Madame Malkin puts him up on a stool next to some pointy faced albino boy (I wonder who that could be...) who immediately starts up a conversation with him.

At first it's friendly, though the boy seems bored. He then expresses his disgust at not being allowed a broom into school and how he's going to bully his father into buying one for him so he can smuggle it in.

This robe fitting just took a turn for the douche.

Draco--I mean, the boy, asks Harry if he has his own broom. "No." Does he play Quidditch? "No". Harry wonders what the eff is Quidditch. I want to know why he hasn't told this spoiled kid to kick rocks already. But the boys goes on about how awesome it is and how it's a crime if he doesn't get picked to play for his house. Then the boy asks what house he thinks he'll be in. Harry doesn't know but his monosyllabic replies don't stop the boy from continuing to speak. He think he'll be in Slytherin because his whole family has been. Then he says "Imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

*pulls out shot gun*

Eff you, Malfoy! Don't talk crap about my people! We Hufflepuff's are a proud, if not somewhat easily frightened, people! We may not be the smartest or the bravest or the most popular, but we're individuals damn it!

Before I can murder the boy, he sees Hagrid outside and Harry can finally give more than one word replies to him. He says that it's Hagrid. Then things get MEGA douchey.

Draco asks if he's some sort of servant. Harry says he's gamekeeper. Then Draco says he's a savage who gets drunk every once in a while and tries to do magic and ends up setting his bed on fire.

First of all Malfoy, Hagrid is not a savage. He's bohemian. Jerk.

Harry thinks Hagrid is brilliant and Draco asks why he's even here with him and not with his parents. Harry says his parents are dead. Draco says sorry but doesn't really mean it and earns his spot at the top of Harry Potter's shit list.

Finally Madame Malkin, finishes up Draco's robe and he skips along his merry ol' way. But Harry is sad. He doesn't know about Quidditch and the Malfoy boy says that Muggle Borns she be allowed in. But Hagrid is great at cheering people up.

Obviously, if this Malfoy kid had known who he was he wouldn't have been such a jackhole. Besides, lots of Muggle Borns are awesome, like Lily. Even if her sister was a complete douche.

But Harry wants to know more about Quidditch. Hagrid says it's a complicated sport played on Brooms (and if you've ever read Quidditch Through the Ages you'll know this is true).

And then, What are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?

They're the school houses of course, Hagrid replied. He also says that Hufflepuffs "are a lot of o' duffers" and Harry immediately thinks he'll land in Hufflepuff. Well you'd be proud to Harry. So. . . There.

Which Hagrid kind of agrees with--it's better than Slytherin anyhow because that was Voldemort's house. Hufflepuff is better than alls ya'lls houses. Word.

After finishing up their ice cram they pop over to Florish and Blotts for his school books, then Hagrid has to talk Harry out of buying a solid gold cauldron (Ten Responsibility points for Hagrid) and then they pop over to the apothecary which smells bad but looks pretty cool... Like your mom...

The last thing Harry has left to buy is his wand.

So, Hagrid goes and buys Harry an animal (HEDWIG! Weeeee!) and then they go to Ollivanders!

Ollivander immediately gives off that old guy vibe. You know the one I'm talking about. He's like the old man that sits in his rocking chair on his porch that all the children go and hear stories from.

And he knows everyone. Old people know everyone.

Ollivander continues to behave like a creepy old man by invading Harry's personal space and touching his scar. He proceeds to say that he sold the wand that did that to his face --he's sorry about that, obviously.

But, Ollivander, gets on with life and starts measuring Harry everywhere (most notably, between his nostrils) and also pulls out some wands for Harry.

All of the wands are made of fail, but then Ollivander gets a curious idea. Luckily, this hunch works out. Harry, who loves to asks questions asks why the wand he has is curious.

"Oh, only because the wand I gave Voldemort had a phoenix feather core from the exact same phoenix who's feather is in your wand. Ain't that nutty? Say! I bet since your wands are relatives you'll probably be pretty awesome. You see, that Voldemort, boy was he an awesome wizard, definitely evil, crazy, out of his mind of course, but, yeah, also pretty bad ass."

Nope, not creepy at all.

Harry pays Ollivander and leaves, wondering why people love him so much. He doesn't even know why he's famous. It must be SO hard to be loved, Harry. I mean, after years of living in a cupboard under some stairs with spiders, enduring years of psychological trauma and physical abuse from your family members and classmates, how dare these people acknowledge your existence? How dare they show sympathy for your dead parents, and how dare they marvel at the fact that as a baby you weren't murdered by a dark wizard? How dare they expect the best out of you.

It must be hard being extraordinary.

Harry's day ends with Hagrid putting him on the train back to the Dursley's with his ticket for Hogwarts and says that if the Dursley give him trouble to send a letter with his owl.

Harry looks out the window to see Hagrid as he pulls away but Hagrid is gone. He probably flew away again.

Road Trip Wednesday! - Favorite Couple

Greetings!

How long has it been since I've done Road Trip Wednesday? I can't remember either. Let's fix that.

This week's topic is: "Who are your favorite literary couples? You know -- the ones you like by themselves, but LOVE together!"


Off the top of my head? I don't know. Probably Tonks and Lupin from Harry Potter. They're only my favorite pairing in the history of anything. Let me tell you why.


Lupin is pretty much my favorite character in the whole Harry Potter series. The only time in the whole series is in Chapter 11 of Deathly Hallows which broke my heart. But other than that, Remus is the bees knees. He's smart, probably funny (you don't really see Remus cracking jokes but you can just tell he is), and he's a genuinely nice person. But he's human too. He dislikes people like Umbridge, he holds grudges against people like Snape who, even as an adult, was an asshole to him, but is able to still treat him like a person. And of course, he's able to love.


Ah, love.


He loves Tonks, who is, by far, the best person ever. I mean, wouldn't you love to change your appearance at will? And on top of that, she's clumsy, a Hufflepuff and still manages to go out and kick some serious death eater butt as an auror. How many Hufflepuffs do that? Not many, I'm assuming. And yet, despite being this young, multi-talented, kind of out there girl, she loves Remus, a werewolf, slightly older, probably not the best looking guy around and he probably makes her feel stupid sometimes when talks [in a good way, like sometimes when my boyfriend talks about math (which I hate) and he just goes on and on about it, I don't have a clue what he's talking about, but the fact that he knows SO much about it is pretty hot].


The story of how they came to fall in love with each other is something that can only be guessed at or read in fanfiction, but it must've been magical. Unrequited love is a bitch. You can just imagine it, he tells her he loves her, but because of his condition they can't be together, but her love for him runs so deep that she won't give up and she can't let go and it causes her body to STOP FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.


Also, she got really weepy, all of the time, which I did find slightly annoying. But what I found even more annoying is that the weepiness could've been avoided if Lupin had simply given into his feelings because he really had no legit reason that anyone could see for denying himself love. All you need is love, damn it. He could say that she deserved someone younger or better looking or with more money but at the end of the day, what she deserved was love, which was all anyone of us deserves.


But then , they got together and all was well (until the end of book seven--I still cry myself to sleep at night over what happened to them).


Tonks and Remus aren't the worlds most fantastic couple, no, but for some reason, their struggle together tugs on my heart strings more so than anyone else's. Maybe it's just because they're both my favorite and I'm elated that my two favorites are together. But They are together and that makes me really, really, really, happy.


And oh, the fanfiction you can write about it.


Fare thee well,
April <3

Drama: Why It's Your Fault and How You Can Rectify This Issue

Greetings!

I'm not the type of person who usually says this kind of thing but. . . I'm pretty awesome.

Seriously. I'm really awesome. I like to read books and learn things about people. I like to see people happy. I don't like being mean to others. I hate seeing people be mistreated. I love, well, love.

But recently, it's occurred to me that I might be too awesome for people to handle.

That statement probably makes no sense because how can something be TOO awesome? It's really easy.

A lot of the character traits that I have and value so fiercely that I will NEVER let go of, are highly under valued by everyone.

People don't value kindness and respectfulness and politeness anymore. It's as if we just decided we don't need them anymore. Seriously, people, what's up with that?

You know what's up with that? People are dishonest nowadays too, because people LOVE their drama. They'll go on and on about how they're so over the drama and how they hate that people still act like they're in high school all of the time. "Haters gonna hate" "Do you, Imma do me" and so on and so forth.

A week later they're saying the same thing "bitches love the drama. It's cool though, I'm so over that shit."

And the cycle just keeps repeating itself.

Do you see a massive problem here? Do you see the problem here at all?

You know how I like my drama? I like it on television. That's why I watch "Secret Life of the American Teenager", because it's an awful TV show that gives me all the drama that I lack in my life. And after it's over I go back to my drama free life.

I don't get on Twitter and Facebook and talk about how people are haters or how they need to mind their own business or get a life or how I'm SO over the drama that I'm just going "do me" and leave everyone else behind...

And then get upset a week later when there's still drama.

*head desk*

Am I the only person who hates drama? Seriously. Search your souls. Check your tweets. Check your Facebook. If you continually say "Imma do me" or "I'm so over the drama" or "Haters gonna hate" or any variation of these things, repeatedly, you may have an addiction to drama.

The first step to overcoming your addiction is actually admitting you have a problem. Tell yourself, be honest: "Yes, I do like the drama."

Now, think of all the stress you've had because of the drama. Think of how much damage you're doing to your soul because of the drama. And not just your soul, darling. All that extra stress is probably making your body work double time. The drama will put you in an early grave.

Bacon will probably put me in an early grave.

But I digress, I hate the drama. I hate wondering if people are talking about me when I'm not there. I hate hearing that people are talking about me behind my back and more so than that I hate when people lie about me.

And that, citizens, is why I don't talk.

Yep. It's that easy. Well, it's also because I'm socially awkward and tend to put my foot in my mouth when I talk, but the other reason is definitely because I want to avoid trouble.

If something REALLY bothers me I'll say something. Generally, though, I find most things aren't worth getting upset over.

Let's says something like this goes down:

Random Person: "April, this hoe was saying that you were talking all kinds of BS."

Me: "Is that a fact?"

Random person: "Yeah. What are you gonna do about that Silly-Nanny running around slandering your good name?"

Me: "I'm gonna. . . Bake some cookies."

That's right. When life gives me drama, I bake cookies and eat them and think about how much more I like the than drama. Then I eat another cookie and get on with my life. Maybe I'll read a book. Maybe I'll watch TV. Maybe I'll take a nap.

Maybe I'll go enjoy my life instead of wasting it by getting into a meaningless quarrel with someone who clearly has nothing better to do with their time.

Now if I know you, and I think I do, you probably feel like letting this person run their mouth about you makes you "lame" or some other nonsense. Let's use another example:

Random Person: "OMG, April. This person pissed me off so bad. So after I herd them running their mouth I went and Such and Such what she said and they were like 'OMG. What a bitch.' So we called her up and was like 'WTF is you problem dude?' and she was all like 'I ain't say that' and I know she did because she's a liar. It wore me out. I'm bouta go to bed early tonight. That ever happen to you?"

Me: "Totally! This girl started talking about me right, and I went home and made some cookies and took a nap and read a book and had a pretty enjoyable day. I'm not sure what's she's doing with her life now but I could care less because I'm super happy."

I don't know about you but I definitely enjoy the "cookie making, nap taking, book reading" scenario to the "continuing the circle of drama and not doing anything fun with my life" scenario.

That's how we avoid drama--we don't feed the trolls. We ignore the people who are trying to start it up.

How else do you avoid drama? Stop being so nosy all of the time.

Yes, you. Yeah you. Stop looking around like I'm talking to someone else. I mean YOU. Yes, YOU! Stay out of their business. So what they got into a spat with their lover or best friend or casual acquaintance from across the way. It doesn't concern you.

I know, it's hard to let it go, but you have to. They can sort out their troubles without you, and if they come to you for advice on their problem, try to be more constructive with your advice because honestly "Fuck them" is really vague and could mean any number of things.

People, I implore you: Let it go. It won't kill you to let people's ignorance go. If I didn't let things people said go, I'd be a really awful person. Like, really awful. Cormac McLaggen meets Draco Malfoy awful.

Take your own advice for once, world. "Do you." Do what you want with your life. Do what makes you happy. Don't let the haters bring you down. If people talk, let them talk. You can get on with your happy life.

Trust me, I know.

Fare thee well,
April <3

The Little Things

Greetings!

So this girl I know on Twitter, by the name of Nikki recently made a video about 10 things in the world that just make her happy. It was inspired by someone on tumblr and also by Hayley G. Hoover's annoyances videos on youtube.

Now, I don't know if you aware of this, but I'm a big fan of things that make people happy. Seeing other people happy makes me happy. Happiness is contagious and people trying to spread laughter and joy is not wasted on me.

Happiness is a part of my life force after all. I don't exist without it.

That being said, I'd like to introduce you to 20 little things that make me happy because there are a lot of little things that make me happy:

1. Reading funny tweets on Twitter.

2. Successfully finishing a chapter of fanfiction.

3. The first bite I take of food when I'm SUPER hungry--nothing ever taste better than that.

4. Snuggling with my babylove.

5. FINALLY seeing the next episode of Pretty Little Liars after waiting for it anxiously for a week to come on even if there was no cliff hanger involved in the previous week's episode.

6. Hot showers. Oh, yeah.

7. A fresh relaxer in my hair. Hair cut optional.

8. When you're reading a really good book and you're just dying for the main character to finally be with their love interest and they're so close and you're hearts racing in your chest and you're like "OMFG! JUST KISS THEM ALREADY!!!!" but no matter how many pages you turn it just doesn't happen and you feel just as frustrated as the main character (example: Anna and the French Kiss). I LOVE that.

9. Beating a new world on Kingdom Hearts.

10. Rereading my favorites parts of Harry Potter ("If you were any slower, you'd be going backwards." God, I love you, Malfoy).

11. Listening to my little sister talk about how excited she is about Harry Potter.

12. Conversations with my younger brother that involve him detailing every act of stupidity he's witnessed since the last time he saw me.

13. Realizing that something I just did or saw happened in Azumanga Daioh.

14. Episode 13 of Fullmetal Alchemist.

15. Singing along to songs with the car radio.

16. Quoting Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged on Twitter with Mark.

17. Rewatching Yu-Yu Hakusho just because.

18. Going home to visit my family.

19. Visiting my "in-laws" and feeling like family.

20. Hugs. This probably makes me the happiest.

And there's more. LOTS more because lots of things make me happy. For instacce I didn't say ANYTHING about outer space and I didn't even MENTION blogs or cookies. But, those we'll save for another day.

Fare thee well,
April

HP Book One: Chapter 4

Chapter Title: The Keeper of the Keys
What I Would Call It: Do Not Piss Off Hagrid

Assuming, Uncle Vernon knew all about wizards and magic and awesome, what was he doing with a riffle? Like, seriously, a riffle? Wizards don't need guns. They're magic. Idiot.

But yes, Uncle Vernon greets Hagrid (yay! Hagrid!) with a riffle at the door (which Hagrid accidentally knocked down because he's a BAMF).

After frightening Dudley we hear this phrase for the first time "you look like your dad, but you've got your mother's eyes", except Hagrid says it all adorable and Hagrid like with lots of "yer's" and "yeh'ves."

Uncle Vernon, still has his riffle, like he's some kind of badass, but Hagrid is more badass and takes the gun and twists it into a knot all like the Juggernaut or something.

After this feat of awesome he gives Harry a cake which he may or may not have sat on "at some point". (Ewe).

Harry asks who Hagrid is and he introduces himself as "Rubeus Hagrid--Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." He fails to mention that he's the most adorable character in the book until you meet Neville, Tonks, and Luna, in that order.

So, Hagrid whips up some tea, some sausage, and some "amber liquid" from his pockets along with a tea kettle and poker from his pockets. I think perhaps Hagrid is the reason I never take anything out of my pockets. The things I find in there would blow your mind.

Harry, after enjoying some sausage tells Hagrid he still has no idea who he is. Hagrid mentions Hogwarts again and Harry is still completely clueless.

Hagrid is described as looking shocked. Harry apologizes for his ignorance which offends Hagrid because how can you NOT KNOW what Hogwarts is. It's only the best place ever in the whole of the universe. The only time I would ever turn down an invitation to Hogwarts is if the Doctor and the TARDIS popped up and he asked me if I wanted to go visit the Palace of Black Marble on the planet Meiers in the Dagobah System--or anywhere really.

Actually in that event I'd probably cry on the Doctor's shoes and ask why he chose NOW to come into my life and why he would ever make me choose between him and Hogwarts. I don't know what I'd do.

But I digress, the outrages don't stop at lack of knowing about Hogwarts. They continue on to Harry not even know that he was famous, or that about anything. Then, line that pretty much everyone wants to hear told to them by Hagrid: "yer a wizard."

And then he get's his Hogwarts letter and my insides are set ablaze with jealousy.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with Dumbledore's name and many titles: Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Cofed. of Wizards.

Again, they forgot "The Ultimate Badass" and "Girls Want Him and Guys Want to Be Him" and "Connoisseur of Candy."

I want a Hogwarts letter saying "Dear Miss Frazier, we are please to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." I want McGonagall to sign it at the bottom in her fancy cursive. And here's Harry all "I don't know what's going on? What does it mean by 'send an owl?' What's a muggle?"

I know it's not his fault but, all the same, he has no idea how awesome his life is about to become... If you ignore all the murder and the being hunted by a dark wizard...

So Hagrid explains--his parents were wizards, he is a wizard, he is going to Hogwarts. He tells him about how Voldemort tried for absolutely no reason *couch cough* to kill Harry and his parents and that he's super famous because he was only a year old when Voldemort tried to kill him and he failed and has since then vanished.

Some how, Uncle Vernon is still determined to not let Harry go to Hogwarts.

Silly muggle.

But then Vernon calls Dumbledore a crackpot old fool and Hagrids get's all awesome.

After telling Vernon to never insult Dumbledore in front of him he gives Dudley a pig's tail with his awesome pink umbrella of awesomeness. Of course, he had been trying to turn Dudley into a pig, but I think this result was much funnier. Like, turning him into a whole pig would've been scary but just a pig's tail, shows yes you CAN do magic but you're just giving them a taste of it.

The thing is Hagrid isn't allowed to use magic because he was expelled from Hogwarts in his third year--they snapped his wand and everything. Harry asks why (WHY indeed) and then Hagrid changes the subject. They've got to get his stuff for school tomorrow! It's exciting! It's wonderful!

Then Hagrid puts a cloak on Harry that may or may not still have mice in the pockets.

Again, ewe.

HP Book One: Chapter 3

Chapter Title: The Letter's From No One
What I Would Call It: Why Does Harry Get A Thousand Hogwarts Letters When I Can't Even Get ONE?

It's okay to laugh, Harry.

In the beginning of this chapter we're introduced to a new sport: Harry Hunting. Instead of calling this book "the Sorcerer's Stone" why not just title it "Idiot's Guide to Traumatizing Children"? I was so happy for Harry at the zoo with his ice cream and now he's back to being locked in the cupboard being the main target of a game called "Harry Hunting".

However, things are looking up--Dudley and his BFF Piers are going to some school called Smelting where they wear maroon tailcoats and orange knickerbockers. Apparently knickerbocker isn't just a funny word, they also look funny because Harry laughed on the inside when he saw Dudley in them. Harry Potter, my 11-year-old self would've have tried to marry you. Just sayin'.

Reading this book is making me nostalgic for this Harry. When Harry gets older and becomes a teenager he gets angsty and annoying and isn't nearly so funny anymore. But prepubescent Harry is cheeky and funny and manages to look on the bright side. I like this Harry. For example:

There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.

"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared ask a question.

"Your new school uniform," she said.

Harry looked into the bowl again.

"Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."

*High five*

Moving on, the plot thickens when the mail comes. After narrowly avoiding a thwack from the Smelting Stick, harry checks the mail and discovers A LETTER for himself.

I remember being 11 and being excited to get mail, even if it was just one of those little cards that said "It's Your Birthday April! Present this card at Bob Evans for a Free Meal!"

I feel so bad for Harry though, not knowing about Hogwarts.I'd be jumping out of my skin if I got my Hogwarts letter. Still, I think Harry could've handled the situation better. Instead of taking the letter into the kitchen where everyone was, why not just casually slip it into your cupboard on your way there so no one would know about it. I mean, you know your family is crazy and hates you and makes you sleep under the stairs, why chance it?

But, he didn't. Uncle Vernon took the letter and burned it. Harry = Sad Panda.

While he sulks in his cupboard, Uncle Vernon visits him and actually does something nice for Harry--He gives him Dudley's spare bedroom to sleep in. Goodbye Cupboard under the stairs, hello proper standing room. But Harry is sad because he knows, just like I knew, that he should've opened the letter before he went into the kitchen so he'd have it. Sleeping in a cupboard would've been worth having that letter. Harry can feel it.

And then, like magic, a new letter arrives. Instead of being addressed to the cupboard under the stair, it's to the smallest bedroom.

Apparently, this is when shit gets beef.

Thursday, Harry sneaks downstairs where Uncle Vernon is sleeping in front of the mailbox. Friday 12 letter's arrive. On Saturday 24 letters arrive in egg cartons.

Then Sunday arrives and, really, one of my favorite things ever in the whole series happens: The letters through the chimney attack. This drives Uncle Vernon so mad that they actually leave. But does that stop the letters? Heck no because you know what I already know, that Dumbledore is awesome. And while I've tried to figure out just how so many letters could've come through that chimney at once because there's no way that owls could do it, I just chalk it up to magic. There's no other way.

So, they go to a hotel where the letters find them and then Vernon gets desperate. A boat. In the middle of the ocean. In the middle of the storm on the eve of Harry's 11th birthday and drags them out to a hut on a rock where they stay the night.

Harry counts down the minutes to his birthday and at the very stroke of midnight there comes a banging sound on the door of the crappy little hut in the middle of the ocean. But who's at the door?

Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

HP Book One: Chapter 2

Greetings!

Chapter Title: The Vanishing Glass
What I Would Call: 101 Ways to Get Arrested For Child Abuse or Harry Potter's Best Day Ever


The story continues 10 years later on the 11th birthday of Dudley Dursley.

As soon as Harry says he sleeps under the stairs in a cupboard I shake my head in pity. I've often wondered about HOW this was okay. I mean, where I come from, it's pretty illegal to make kids sleep in places like that. I mean, child services would be all over that.

But, alas, no one calls child services for Harry. Instead he sleeps under the cupboard with spiders and has to  out run his fat, spoiled cousin from beating on him all of the time. Poor Harry.

However, despite the fact that his life sucks, I immediately like Harry (this changes when we get to book five and we get "I fucking Hate My Life and Everyone In It" Harry). He's quite funny and he thinks things in his head that amuse him that he doesn't say out loud which is something I do ALL the time. Saying Dudley looked like a pig in a wig was funny. Did he say this outloud? No. He would get drop kicked in the face. But inside his head it's all fair game. He can think horrible, awful things about people and no one will know it.

Which, I suppose, is the point.

Anyway, it's Dudley's birthday and Dudley is pissed that he's only got 36--sorry--37 presents. Harry scarfs down his bacon in case his cousin flips out and knocks the table over. Good thinking, Harry. ALWAYS save the bacon.

Enter Mrs. Figg, the ultimate crazy cat lady--sort of. Apparently she's broken her leg and can't watch him while the Dursley's go out to have a night on the town.

But if no one will watch Harry it means he finally gets to go out in public like a normal child, of course not before they suggest leaving him in the car first, but they can't do that because the car is new. Never mind the fact that if you leave an 11-yer-old child in a car by himself for hours in the middle of the day he could suffocate and probably die since he wouldn't be able to get out the car because you'd probably cut his skinny little wrists off if he even thought about touching the handle.

Anyway, Dudley's buddy Piers (another stupid name) shows up and they go off to the zoo. On the way, after promising Uncle Vernon no funny business he reminisces over all the funny business he'd been involved in that wasn't his fault. Like the day Aunt Petunia cut off all his hair and it grew back before morning. Or the time he didn't want to wear a sweater and it shrunk down so small it couldn't fit him.  Or the time he jumped onto the roof of his school.

Harry also says that Uncle Vernon loves to bitch, mostly about Harry, but on the freeway he says today he decided to be pissy about motorcycles. Then Harry behaves like any normal 10-year-old and says he had a dream about a motorcycle and it was flying. He is immediately scolded by Uncle Vernon because motorcycles don't fly.

*Mentally kicks Uncle Vernon in the face while demanding he grow an imagination*

When they arrive at the hospital, we see that the Dursleys, in their own sick way, do kind of care for Harry. They don't leave him in the car so that the newness of it will be safe from his 10-year-old hands and then, sadly, Harry has the best day of his life.

When they buy Dudley and Piers awesome ice cream they buy Harry and cheap little Popsicle which excites him more than it should excite any child and my soul dies a bit inside. When they go to the foodcourt for lunch, Dudley is dissatisfied with the smallness of his desert so Harry gets to eat it so Dudley can have a bigger one. My soul dies even more.

I mean, I love a kid who really appreciates the simple things in life but it really disgusts me that the only reason this is the best day ever for Harry is because the rest of his life has been crappy.

When they get to the reptile house and come across the infamous boa, it's sleeping and Dudley and Piers can't be bothered with it. Harry apologizes to the snake for their idiocy. And then it seems to respond to him. They converse for a moment.

Now, it says a lot about me that I didn't find anything about this exchange magical when I was nine. You see, I often found myself conversing with animals and inanimate objects as child, whether they responded or not. Sometimes, especially if your circumstances were crappy and you were unhappy, when you can just talk and someone/something just listens without saying a word, you feel better.

Dudley and Piers see that the snake is moving and are thrilled. They go over to snake and began acting like idiots again and then POOF the glass vanishes and the snake is out on the ground. After saying goodbye to his best friend, Harry, the snake sets off for his home country.

While this OBVIOUSLY had nothing to do with Harry *cough* *cough*, Uncle Vernon punishes him anyway taking away Harry's right of having three square meals a day and locking him under the stairs again.

That's right, Uncle Vernon, you tell him who's boss. Eating is a privilege. Daylight is a privilege. Besides, a little childhood trauma builds character.