Thursday, August 16, 2012

Anxiety Help, Please?

I am preparing for the future.

I'm about to start work at my first full-time job. I'm getting ready to go back to school full-time again. I'm no longer living with anyone's parents. Things are starting to look up.

Being an adult isn't easy by any means. These past few months have been difficult with me looking for a job and there only being one income coming in. I don't get to do much but sit inside and read or watch Netflix all day because I don't have money to go out and party like most 21-year-olds (not that I'm much of a party girl).

I don't mind it very much because at least I'm home doing nothing on my own terms. I'm enjoying the freedom of being able to walk around my apartment in my underwear (which is really the best kind of freedom) and I do things without having to run it by person who pays the bills because now that's me.

Freedom is good. Things aren't perfect, but they never are and I'm learning to deal with that.

But now fear is starting to set in.

I'm starting a new full-time job with benefits and where I don't have to talk to very many people and I'm really looking forward to it (because it will be much better than my shitty job at Target). And a week after that I'll be starting the new school semester, and as long as it goes smoothly, I'll only have one semester left before I finally transfer to a four university to do the final four semesters of my college education.

And I'm excited about all of those things, but I'm also horrified. I'm still sweeping up the mess I made from the spring semester which started out so horribly that I couldn't even finish it because the stress of my living situation, having no job, and having to take an hour long bus ride in the cold, rain or snow every day was killing me.

I managed to get horribly ill the first week of classes and missed everything. I ended up dropping math right off the bat because I couldn't catch up at all. I tried my hardest to salvage biology, but I couldn't catch. My archaeology professor kept disappearing and so I dropped it (and retook it in the summer and passed with a B). My British Lit professor is currently helping me get a late-withdrawal from her class. I'm registered to take my math class again for the third time and hopefully nothing goes awry.

Back when I got sick in January, I was informed that I have a stomach disorder (a really common, non-life threatening thing) which was the root of all my problems which I'm still learning to deal with. I don't have to change my diet super dramatically, but I just have to be more mindful of how much I eat of certain foods. If not, I get super bad stomachaches and other things happen and it makes my life difficult. This was part of the reason I kept missing school after the initial sickness because I was getting a stomachache whenever I ate or drank anything and it's really freaking horrible and makes me not want to eat which isn't really an option for me because I'm so small that not getting enough calories every day might actually kill me.

But, the condition can (and does) get worse when I'm stressed. And now with me getting ready to tackle a full-time job and a full-time course load, I'm just terrified that I am, once again, taking on too much. I need to have a job so I can continue living on my own, but I also need school because it's important to me. Right now, I'm still a dreamer (an English major) so I want to write books. I take time to write every single day, even if it's just a few words here or there, and I know you don't necessarily need a degree to do that, but even if I hate school with a white hot passion at times, when I'm actually learning about things that I like (like religion and history and, holy crap, English) I'm excited and happy about it. But all of these core classes that I have to take are bringing me down and I hate it because I'm never going to need to know what the endoplasmic reticulum (is that even spelled correctly?) does and I feel like it's a waste of time.

But I digress from that. To make a long story short: school is my number one priority in life right now. I know I hate it and I know right now I feel like it's not doing anything but stressing me out and I know that college isn't for everyone, but if I could just find a way to manage my time and energy I could totally get through this without getting stressed out I might be fine. But I feel like it's impossible.

Over the past two years or so my anxiety level has shot through the roof. If only have one panic attack during the month, I usually considering myself lucky, because at time they're more frequent than that. Small amounts of stress make me shut down. Like, if I can't decide to study for a class or do dishes, I'll lay on my couch and hide and nothing will get done. It's horrible. And it's gotten to be that I'm not just anxious about every day things, I'm terrified of things I shouldn't be terrified about.

I constantly go to check my kitchen to make sure that nothing is on fire even if I haven't been cooking. The slightest vibration in my floor makes me think that the floor will cave in underneath my feet and I'll go plummeting to my death in the apartment below. I always keep my front door in view in because I'm afraid someone is going to come through it and attack me or murder me. Sometimes even riding in the car is a terrifying experience for me (which why I can't drive yet) because I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into an accident and die.

I've turned into this really super paranoid person and it's causing me to not be able to function like a normal human being. It's stopping me from moving forward with my life and it's making me physically sick in more ways than one. I feel like I'm crazy.

So, I've decided that I need help. I don't know from who, but I know I need to talk to someone who's going to help me overcome this. I've tried talking to the psychologists at my school, but mostly they just have me come in and talk at them about my problems and just vent. Venting is good and I'll feel better afterward, but if I'm just venting at a psychologist I'm not really getting anywhere because they're not doing anything to help me.

So, if anyone out there has any resources for someone who's really struggling with anxiety and paranoia, I would really appreciate it because at the moment, I feel like I'm insane.

Fare thee well,
April x