HP Book One: Chapter 4

Chapter Title: The Keeper of the Keys
What I Would Call It: Do Not Piss Off Hagrid

Assuming, Uncle Vernon knew all about wizards and magic and awesome, what was he doing with a riffle? Like, seriously, a riffle? Wizards don't need guns. They're magic. Idiot.

But yes, Uncle Vernon greets Hagrid (yay! Hagrid!) with a riffle at the door (which Hagrid accidentally knocked down because he's a BAMF).

After frightening Dudley we hear this phrase for the first time "you look like your dad, but you've got your mother's eyes", except Hagrid says it all adorable and Hagrid like with lots of "yer's" and "yeh'ves."

Uncle Vernon, still has his riffle, like he's some kind of badass, but Hagrid is more badass and takes the gun and twists it into a knot all like the Juggernaut or something.

After this feat of awesome he gives Harry a cake which he may or may not have sat on "at some point". (Ewe).

Harry asks who Hagrid is and he introduces himself as "Rubeus Hagrid--Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." He fails to mention that he's the most adorable character in the book until you meet Neville, Tonks, and Luna, in that order.

So, Hagrid whips up some tea, some sausage, and some "amber liquid" from his pockets along with a tea kettle and poker from his pockets. I think perhaps Hagrid is the reason I never take anything out of my pockets. The things I find in there would blow your mind.

Harry, after enjoying some sausage tells Hagrid he still has no idea who he is. Hagrid mentions Hogwarts again and Harry is still completely clueless.

Hagrid is described as looking shocked. Harry apologizes for his ignorance which offends Hagrid because how can you NOT KNOW what Hogwarts is. It's only the best place ever in the whole of the universe. The only time I would ever turn down an invitation to Hogwarts is if the Doctor and the TARDIS popped up and he asked me if I wanted to go visit the Palace of Black Marble on the planet Meiers in the Dagobah System--or anywhere really.

Actually in that event I'd probably cry on the Doctor's shoes and ask why he chose NOW to come into my life and why he would ever make me choose between him and Hogwarts. I don't know what I'd do.

But I digress, the outrages don't stop at lack of knowing about Hogwarts. They continue on to Harry not even know that he was famous, or that about anything. Then, line that pretty much everyone wants to hear told to them by Hagrid: "yer a wizard."

And then he get's his Hogwarts letter and my insides are set ablaze with jealousy.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with Dumbledore's name and many titles: Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Cofed. of Wizards.

Again, they forgot "The Ultimate Badass" and "Girls Want Him and Guys Want to Be Him" and "Connoisseur of Candy."

I want a Hogwarts letter saying "Dear Miss Frazier, we are please to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." I want McGonagall to sign it at the bottom in her fancy cursive. And here's Harry all "I don't know what's going on? What does it mean by 'send an owl?' What's a muggle?"

I know it's not his fault but, all the same, he has no idea how awesome his life is about to become... If you ignore all the murder and the being hunted by a dark wizard...

So Hagrid explains--his parents were wizards, he is a wizard, he is going to Hogwarts. He tells him about how Voldemort tried for absolutely no reason *couch cough* to kill Harry and his parents and that he's super famous because he was only a year old when Voldemort tried to kill him and he failed and has since then vanished.

Some how, Uncle Vernon is still determined to not let Harry go to Hogwarts.

Silly muggle.

But then Vernon calls Dumbledore a crackpot old fool and Hagrids get's all awesome.

After telling Vernon to never insult Dumbledore in front of him he gives Dudley a pig's tail with his awesome pink umbrella of awesomeness. Of course, he had been trying to turn Dudley into a pig, but I think this result was much funnier. Like, turning him into a whole pig would've been scary but just a pig's tail, shows yes you CAN do magic but you're just giving them a taste of it.

The thing is Hagrid isn't allowed to use magic because he was expelled from Hogwarts in his third year--they snapped his wand and everything. Harry asks why (WHY indeed) and then Hagrid changes the subject. They've got to get his stuff for school tomorrow! It's exciting! It's wonderful!

Then Hagrid puts a cloak on Harry that may or may not still have mice in the pockets.

Again, ewe.