Greetings!
So, it's come to my attention that I'm kind of a freak. I know that the general population, doesn't care about outer space or the progression of the death of the universe. Most of them don't care how many times I've read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (12 by the way). Most of them don't care or understand Twitter. Most of them look at me, whenever I mention any of those things and think "Wow, what a freak."
And then I look at them and think "I LOVE being a freak."
I love watching Fruits Basket and then having weird dream where everyone is an animal. I love writing Harry Potter fanfiction. I love that my most recent project is to work the Sisyphean into a sentence and then divulge too much information about the word's origin and meaning. I love that I can explain to you, in detail the three ways that the universe might die. I love that I love Young Adult fiction even if it means a lot of people around are going to eventually tell me to grow up and read more adult books, or worse non-fiction (ick!).
But let's face it. I'm not THAT much a freak.
I'll admit, I'm socially awkward. The way I used to function was that I would find a group of people, imitate their speech and their mannerisms and blend in to make myself more socially acceptable. By the time I got into high I had outgrown that. Somehow, I only found it worthwhile to talk to people who were interested in things I was actually interested in. But I never blew off the people who weren't like me.
When I was with people who weren't as nerdy as I was (because as it turns out EVERYONE in my high school was a closet nerd in one way or another) I silently observed them. I don't mean that I went all Animal Planet and detailed out every single thing that they did, but if they were having a conversation, I'd listen (if I was with them--I don't mean eavesdropping. Who do you think I am, Samwise Gamgee?). I'd watch them way I watched in middle school, but instead of imitating, I'd make a mental note of it (you know, because I'm a writer. It's what I do).
I think people are fascinating. SO fascinating. Even the incredibly horrible things they do are fascinating. I'm always curious about the WHY behind the things that people do (Am I going to go to grad school for something psychology related--of course). I want to know why people have to be socially awkward. Why aren't people more accepting of other people? Why do I find interaction with people outside of Twitter so difficult?
But the answer is easy--we're all afraid of rejection or not being accepted by other people.
I can hear the outcries now "I don't care whether or not people like me. People don't have to like me. I don't care what other people think of me."
But you do. Because if no one liked you, you'd be alone and friendless and you'd hate everything.
The thing that I, that MOST people, I think struggle with is the idea that not EVERYONE has to like you. I don't have to make sure that everyone likes me.
I am an odd, but naturally likable person, because I don't make things difficult people. Some people would call this being spineless. That is I'm starting to call it as well. People ask me a lot of questions and for my opinion on a lot of things but I don't usually answer because I don't want to be painted in a negative light, even if my answer would mean standing up for someone else. And for all the good that I want in the world I know, I've always known, that there are two types of evil: Those that do evil and those that see evil being done and do nothing.
I am the second type of evil person. That sucks. Totally sucks.
Occasionally, I can be passive aggressive--You can tell when I'm irritated and being passive aggressive with you because I'll start my sentences with an "actually" or "apparently." For instance, I was in 3rd grade and my teacher said that we stomped up the stairs like a herd of elephants because we were so loud. I replied "Actually, elephants walk on their tiptoes so they don't make a lot of noise when they walk."
I didn't get recess that day, obviously.
Still being cheeky and passive aggressive is about as much as I do these days. Because, like I say, time and time again, I just don't have the energy to let things upset me.
But today, I woke up and got onto Facebook and something inside of my brain snapped. It was a very sudden, sharp snap. For some reason, almost everything and everyone on Facebook and in my real life made me, really, really angry.
I couldn't explain why I was angry or what they'd done at first but then I had two very massive realizations.
The first was that no one cared about me. And I don't mean that in the "my existence is meaningless" kind of way. I meant it in the, if I were to sit in the same room with most of these people even our small talk wouldn't last five minutes. I would ask them how they were doing, how their life is going, what they've been up to lately, if I know them well enough, how that little hobby of theirs is going. And I know, for a FACT that this gesture would not be reciprocated. Most of them would not even ask me what book I've read recently because they do not care. They don't even care enough about me to be polite to me. And time and time again these are the people that I see doing evil (you know, the gossiping, rumor mongering crowd) and I do nothing about.
Why are these poisonous people in my life? What do they do for me?
And that's when a fellow tweep made it all crystal clear for me: I feel an obligation to these people to keep them around. Why? Because I'm too nice. Because I have no spine. I am a jellyfish.
I am weird. But I'm not that weird. I don't do things that gross people out. I don't sit in a basement and play World of Warcraft all day and forget that there's life outside my apartment. I'm just a nerd. A massive nerd who likes to learn things and read books and go to school.
I am not too weird or too much of a freak for people to not want to pay me even the most basic of common courtesies and if people aren't going to be kind to me then I don't have to be kind to them.
Okay, yes I do. I am always going to be polite and kind because it's who I am. But what I don't have to do, is keep you around. There may not be that many people in my life, but there are enough of them around that I can cut most people out of it and keep around the ones that will make an effort to treat me the same way they treat everyone else despite the fact that I am a freak.Yes, I'm a freak, but this freak has feelings. I know you have feelings. I treat you like you do because it's what we all should be doing. I don't care if you're some weirdo who plays D&D or if you're a pretentious hipster or even just a dumbass who thinks they know everything. You are a human freaking being and you deserve to be treated as such. People should be nice to you. People should treat you like you have feelings that can be hurt and that words, or lack there of, along with sticks and stones can hurt you.
I may be a freak who watches The Universe and reads YA literature and writes fanfiction and lists "smiling" as one of my favorite activities and has a difficult time communicating with people who don't have similar interests, but that doesn't make it okay for you to just decide that your time could be better spent being a butt muncher than being nice to someone who is always nice to you no matter how massively annoying they find you.
So here's the deal: I like to spend my time being happy and nerdy and I've wasted too much of it wondering why people I see all the time don't say more to me than "Hello." So, goodbye all you poisonous energy suckers. It may not make a difference to you whether or not I speak to you ever again but it feels pretty damn good to not have to speak to you ever again.
Find a new nice girl to string along. I'm done with you.
Fare thee well,
April
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