So, I've been reading the most amazing blog instead of doing homework. It's called Blogging Twilight and I found it on Sparknotes while I was trying to get ideas on how to get started describing Hamlet yesterday.
Essentially, this Daniel fellow is reading Twilight and giving his opinion on it chapter by chapter and it's hilarious! He has a funny little doodle to go with every blog and ends every chapter with a prediction of what he thinks will happen next.
Right now, he's working New Moon and here's what he wrote for his prediction at the end of chapter six:
Just as things are beginning to heat up between Bella and Jacob, Edward comes galloping into town on a white horse. He grabs Bella by the scruff of her neck and flings her onto his horse. Before charging away with the giddy, lovesick Bella, Edward looks back at Jacob and shouts, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."Hilarious, right?
So, that thought in mind, my brain went to a very strange place. A place it doesn't usually go.
Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.
Now, thanks to Taylor Lautner and his Adonis of man type body, I've always been a Team Jacob kind of a girl. But then another thought occurred to me.
Why is Bella so freaking stupid in New Moon.
Okay, I think Bella's stupid like all the time, but don't get me wrong, when she's all upset and heartbroken over Edward even if she didn't want to hook up with Jacob [but why wouldn't you? I mean, hello, one of the main reasons my boyfriend is awesome is because he radiates heat (I'm aware of how shallow that sounded and I wasn't being serious)] why would she go back to Edward.
Like, he breaks your heart, leaves you lie cold alone in the rain in the middle of the forest, let's you fall into a deep dark hole of depression and engage in unhealthy and unsafe activities and then when he thinks you're dead he tries to call by phone to fact check and then goes to kill himself when a boy who never liked him answers the phone and then it becomes your responsibility to drop everything and save him?
No. Hell no.
Fuck that.
I don't care how glittery or gorgeous he is or how many songs he writes for me on the piano.
Hell no I wouldn't go back to him. Sure, do the right thing, don't let the boy kill himself. But then you're like "I'm alive, but you're an asshole so I'm gonna go home to my gorgeous werewolf boyfriend and bake cookies on his chest. And if things with Jacob don't work out I can go always go hook up with Mike because he always liked me better than Jessica anyway."
And then you'd ride off into the Italian sunset with Jacob and his motorcycle. How did Jacob get to Italy? He has a jetpack [all werewolves do according to Dan in Blogging Twilight].
You don't go back to someone who made you miserable. Who left you to be miserable.
No! No! No! No! No!
And the whole reason they left in the first place was dumb too. "OMG! Jasper's a baby and isn't used to blood. If Bella cuts her finger again shit is goin' down. Let's roll out Cullens."
Again. No.
You leave Jasper in his room until he grows up enough to handle being around a paper cut, because he's a baby. You don't let them be around grown up situations until they can handle grown up situation because that's how you handle babies.
If your baby is so out of control that you have to relocate, reevaluate your parenting skills.
Jacob on the other hand is nice. He rides motorcycle and jumps of cliff and turns into something you can pet. You can also ride Jacob if you want [that's what she said]. Plus, he's warm. He's toasty. Which I suspect comes in handy if you live in a cold, miserable place like Forks, Washington. AND if you're really, really, really, that eager to get laid Bella, I'm sure Jacob is more than willing to put out [because most 16-year-old boys probably are]. And it probably won't feel like you're shoving an eternally cold piece of limestone up your va-jay-jay [which is probably what it's like with Edward].
AND THEN when Bella went so far as to go and get married to Edward and actually end up impregnated with his demon child [somehow] that is eating you alive from the inside out, in exchange for getting rid of the demon child monster you get a free pass to bone Jacob who is more than willing to let you use him.
In that situation you don't say "No."
You can only say yes because:
A) Free pass to bone Jacob AND keep Edward. It's all you ever dreamed of!
or
B) Because Edward would seriously rather you sleep with some other guy than have his child, you probably don't want to be with him anyway, so you sleep with Jacob to spite Edward and you keep Jacob.
Booyah.
I don't like Bella because she's an idiot.
I don't like Edward because he's a pushover pansy.
Sometimes I don't even like Jacob because he's always all "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?!"
But all Jacob wants is love. Edward wants to stalk you and watch you sleep and abort your unborn child.
Jacob just wants to love you and you to love him in return and have children that aren't going to kill you and basically be all the good things a man should be.
Also, he has a jetpack.
But seriously, I don't see the Edward appeal.
Now, if Twilight were about WIZARDS and Edward were Cedric Diggory THEN that's a hippogriff of a different color. Of course, Cedric, my fellow Hufflepuff, wouldn't even give a second thought about Bella because she's whiny and clingy and selfish and only likes to complain. And while Hufflepuff are like that sometimes (a lot of the time) Cedric is our best Hufflepuff and definitely do better than her psychotic ass.
Random thought, is it just me or does Cho Chang remind you of Trixie Tang from Fairly Odd Parents or is that just me.
I digress, being Team Edward baffles me. Being Bella Swan baffles me. I wonder how it feels to wake up everyday and live in a constant haze of stupidity like she does.
Ugh! She's awful. I detest her.The only character I hate more than her in any book is probably Pansy Parkinson--but at least Pansy knows what she wants, even if she's an annoying little twit.
I've run out of things to say. In conclusion:
- Jacob is better looking.
- Jacob is more temperature appropriate.
- Jacob is not an asshole, nor is he a pansy.
- Jacob rides motorcycle.
- If you get a paper cut, Edward will skip town because he can't take the pressure.
The choice is yours ladies. Be better than Bella.
Fare thee well,
April
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